The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

There are aspects of your appearance you cannot change, such as your height, being covered in freckles, or some changes due to aging. You simply need to accept things that you cannot change, and work to change things that are within your control. Certain aspects of one's appearance are changeable with the help of technology, plastic surgery, cosmetic procedures, and even drugstore products, like at-home hair dye kits and teeth whiteners. These are available if you want to and can afford to use them. It's perfectly healthy to use technology to reasonably enhance your appearance.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.

Is this honesty ruining your romance? Is your romance ruining a friendship? Now is your chance to talk about it with Dr. Ellen Kenner, clinical psychologist, taking your calls and questions on romance, friendship, or any personal issue. Call her now. Toll-Free at 877-DrKenner, that's 877-DR-K-E-N-N-E-R.

I know it's me. I'm going through some changes. Well, welcome to the world. Things happen, don't you think? I'm going through a lot. Not like me? Oh, what? So now you're special. You're special, boy.

You know, you may have some friends or family members who are serving in the military or who are over in Iraq or Afghanistan, or who are even in maybe a different country. What are the issues that face them? What are the concerns that they have? What are the themes that they have, and when they come home, what are the issues that are facing them? Then with me today, I have Jay White. I heard him at a conference, "How Will We Welcome Them Home?" A conference on post-traumatic stress disorder and helping vets come home and make life easier for them. He is a readjustment counselor at the Hartford Veterans Center, and I want to welcome you to the show today. Jay, thank you. Jay, would you want to talk a little bit about some of the concerns that the vets have? What are the common issues that you see a lot of the vets facing?

Well, I tell a lot of them that I wish that they could sit in here and listen to everybody else because, you know, many times they've come in here, they feel like they're the only one with problems. But I think the biggest thing we see is people who aren't sleeping very well, and then right matching that would be anger issues. Off the top of my head, those are the two biggest problems that are facing the guys. Of course, you could argue that the lack of sleep would cause irritability, which causes the anger. Well, it makes it worse, certainly, but anger is an emotion that says that there is an injustice that has been done. Why would you think so many of them are feeling anger? Where is the injustice in their personal lives? What have you heard?

Well, during our group sessions that we have with vets, we talk about this, and a lot of times we discuss how we feel that when we're over there, there are a lot of times where you are fearful, and for even the National Guard and Reserve people over there who are a lot of times support elements, man, this—this is not exclusive to them. This goes to everybody. But you are fearful over there because anything could happen at any time. So that constant fear, you realize that you need to—right away. One of the first things you realize once you're in country is you've got to get rid of that fear. You have to. It's going to be there, but you've got to suppress it. And I think, and we think when we talk, that just that suppressed fear is now starting to come back and leak out in different ways. Once the people are able to come home and try to settle down, something will remind them of whatever, you know, a fearful time, or they'll smell something, or they'll feel muscle tension in something, and it reminds them of the time, how they felt scared, and whatnot. And I think a lot of that comes out, and when it comes out, it comes out in the form of anger. Yeah.

That's interesting that it comes out as anger, because if you look at Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a lot of it is that they don't want to relive that they survived it. Let's say, when I worked with the vets, it was the Vietnam vets and the other wars. And you have to train your mind, if I'm hearing you correctly, in survival mode, not to focus on how afraid you are, but to suppress that fear.

Absolutely. You notice right away that you're scared, and you know that you've learned in the past that anytime you're scared, you don't perform as well, and God knows, that's the time to not perform well. And by that, I mean not to think on your feet and be able to get safe. To do the safest thing to get out of a situation that you might need to get out of or help someone else to get out of a situation, you've got to be able to think clearly. And if you let fear distract you, it's dangerous. So you learn, I think it's instinctively, you just learn to put the fear on the back burner. And then when you come home, it seems to somehow creep its way to the front burner.

Then, okay, because it doesn't go away. It doesn't. Your mind just doesn't erase it as if it didn't happen. So you've trained your mind to numb, to avoid thinking of your fear.

I suppose that would be how you could describe it.

And then in your own personal experiences, what happened when you came home? Because you fought in Baghdad, you fought whereabouts?

I was in Baghdad, right, in the National Guard.

Right? Yeah, I was with the 83rd Army Reserve unit, and we, we got a team of us, were several teams of us were sent forth, 82nd or with the third ID. I was with the third ID with just a team of four. So they were in Baghdad, and that's where I was with them.

And when you came home, how did that suppressed fear start leaking out? What did you observe in yourself that you're saying is normal? A lot of vets have said this in group therapy or privately to you, anger was a big issue for me, of course, the nightmares. They did start to go away after a little while, but they definitely made you believe you were there. Very scary, you know, very vivid, very vivid, and just hyper-alertness. You hear a bang. Even still, you hear a bang. It doesn't sound like it used to. Especially, you know, like, for instance, everyone mentioned fireworks. Fireworks, right? Or, you know, they're going to pop off. That's one thing, if you don't see them, and they pop off, right? We had a truck backing up at the VA, and I was in a group with vets, and boy, you should have seen that startle response. You know how it backfires or backs up. And it was just instantaneous with all of them. And I'm sitting there perfectly relaxed because I haven't served in a war, and to me, it was just a truck making noise, yeah.

And I'm sure there's probably many people who've been in car accidents, they've been to war, but they've had traumatic experiences. Thank you. Not much different, you know, and the certain smells, I mean, smells they say are something that can bring you back fastest.

That's interesting. With the Vietnam vets that I worked with, when they said when they went on a golf course and they smelled the mustiness, it brought them right back to the jungles, and the family couldn't understand it, because here they are on a lovely Saturday afternoon playing golf, and they're totally traumatized. You know, it's a different experience for them than for everyone else. You're a readjustment counselor. What advice would you want to give to the vets? You know you're the one that you're hearing that they're isolating, they're not sleeping well, they've got a lot of anger. What type of advice would you want to give them, especially for the vets who are afraid to get help?

Ah, well, that's what I would have said, is to get help. But no, you can. That's okay. I think that they need to give themselves a break. And one, it's ironic, because you learn in the military that everything is teamwork. That's the first thing anyone learns right from boot camp, basic training, wherever you go, you learn right away everything is teamwork. But it's pretty ironic how you come home and now you have to handle this. And the Vietnam vets and the Korean and World War Two vets have proven that this stuff doesn't go away right away. So we need to look at what they've done. Let's learn from their mistakes as veterans, looking at these other veterans, some of those guys, needed to get help right away. So what? We shouldn't belittle whatever we did over there. And, you know, a lot of the vets are so proud they think that, oh, well, what I did wasn't compared to what somebody in Vietnam did, or, you know, guys in Vietnam, I didn't compare the World War Two and vice versa, whatever. Yeah, and they need to stop doing that and say, Listen, I do need help. I can't do this alone, and I get help wherever you can, if it's at a hospital or the Vet Center, just to be able to talk through your trauma. Yeah, okay, I'm with Jay White today. Thank you so much for joining us. And if you're someone who's struggling very personally with this, and you want to find new coping strategies for yourself, or you want to be able to identify the trouble signs within yourself early. Go ahead, go to the Vet Center and see if you can speak to someone such as Jay White. Jay White's a readjustment counselor who can help you, but help you put your life back on track. Thank you so much for being with us today, Jay. Thank you, and I did a lot of family therapy with vets, and I just noticed that it takes its toll on even the littlest ones in the family when dad pulls back, or when dad's got unexplainable anger. So if it's dad or mom, in this case, go get yourself some help. It's good for you. It's good for your own dignity, and it's certainly good for those you love. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and you're listening to The Rational Basis of Happiness, and I love being with you, and I look forward to being with you again next week. My number, if you want to jot it down, is toll-free. 1-877-DrKenner. That's 1-877-DR-K-E-N-N-E-R, and my website's DrKenner.com. Call 911. She's on the run up the phone. Alone.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Looks aren't everything, but they do matter. Of course, avoid comparing yourself unfavorably to fashion models. Enjoy doing the best with what you've got: weight, physical fitness, grooming, how we dress, and how we carry ourselves are within our control. Our looks convey our attitude toward ourselves. You have only one body for life, so you might as well take good care of it. Exercising regularly, eating well, and dressing nicely reflect how you feel about yourself and your life. If you pay attention to your health and appearance, you'll like yourself more, and you'll have more aesthetic appeal to others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.

When The Fountainhead was first published more than 70 years ago, Ayn Rand's bold literary vision and groundbreaking philosophy of individualism captured the world's attention. Initially rejected by 12 publishers as too intellectual, the novel became an instant classic and continues to provoke heated debates. The story of an innovative young architect, his violent battle against convention, and his love affair with a woman who seeks to defeat him, The Fountainhead is as relevant today as it was when Rand first penned it. Order your copy at Amazon.com.

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