The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Is it an addiction or just a habit? In this episode, we explore the struggles of porn addiction, the difference between compulsive behavior and choice, and why some people feel compelled to overshare their addiction in graphic detail. We’ll talk about the psychology of confession, shame, and guilt, and how these patterns impact relationships, self-esteem, and recovery. If you’re questioning your own habits, or looking for practical self-help and coping strategies, this conversation offers helpful insights.

porn addiction, addiction vs habit, compulsive behavior, oversharing, recovery podcast, self-help, coping strategies, mental health, behavioral psychology, shame and guilt, therapy insights, recovery journey, breaking habits

Transcript

In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is an email I received about erotica. Let's change that name. It is not erotica — it is porn. What is the difference between erotica and porn? And listen to this question, and then I want to talk a little bit more at the end about erotica.

Dear Dr. Kenner,
I have an addiction to porn, among other things. Okay, there are other things going on. I don't know if it's drugs and alcohol, but those — and gambling — those kind of go together. But the question: an addiction to porn, or is it a habit that you've chosen at some point and you have allowed yourself to grow it and grow it and grow it, and then it's a habit?

You need a break. You need to break the habit.

So: “Dear Dr. Kenner, I have an addiction to porn, among other things. I told my close friend, who is somewhat trying to help me through it, but I feel so desperate sometimes. I feel like I need to spill my guts to someone in graphic details. When I've slipped up, things feel so bottled up, and it feels like I'm struggling alone. But I fear that too many details may leave me too exposed — that is true — and make the other person uncomfortable. Yes, typically yes.

Why do you think I so strongly feel the need to express in details what I've done pornographically, or, I guess, an addiction to porn and how I did it?”

Okay. Your mind is screaming at you. The good part of your mind, hopefully, is screaming at you to say: get some help. This is out of control — which, of course, you're doing because you're emailing me. So part of you, the good part of you, wants to win this battle and to get back, my guess is, to maybe an intimate relationship with another person instead of a pseudo-intimate relationship with porn stars or what-not.

But when you talk about the need to spill your guts, it sounds like you need to do thinking about this. You can spill your guts on paper and then shred it afterwards, and then you have all your privacy — if you have the skills to sort it through on your own, which very few people do.

So you could also go to a therapist, even a specialist who deals with sexual issues, and spill your guts there and find out why you need to spill your guts. Some people just need the visibility. Some people need to shock people, and so they've shocked themselves, and they want to bring other people into the loop. That's not a good motive.

Some people want to be excused. “Oh honey, we're all sinners, you know. Okay, so you're addicted to porn, but I'm addicted to what-not.” Some people — again, I like to shock people. It's almost like putting graffiti on another person when you bear your soul.

But it depends on what porn you're talking about. If you are just talking about—

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, “I live in the shadow of my husband’s life,” or “I feel invisible to my girlfriend.” These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book: The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That’s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

…but it depends on what porn you're talking about. If you are just talking about self-pleasuring, if you're talking about using it just to enhance or to discover your own sexual appetite, and it's soft-core and it looks all healthy — don't beat up on yourself. You may be beating up on yourself unnecessarily.

But if your life is being torn apart by it — your entire life revolves around going to the computer or looking at the magazines or what-not, meeting people or going into chat rooms — and you're not collecting your job, your family, and intimacy with a partner: big-time trouble. Get help.

So I recommend that you do get some help. There is help. There are skills. Cognitive therapy teaches them: getting away, putting a filter on your computer so you can't see the porn, staying away from the computer, the TV. Change your routine, change your thoughts. Figure out how to deal with your emotions — anxiety, depression, loneliness, anger, guilt. Do a pros and cons so you can see the consequences in your own life of using porn.

And also think about getting better relationships and figure out how to do what's called relapse prevention — help yourself if you slip up.

So what do I think about erotica? I think that if it were healthy and if they weren't using people who were being abused, I think there's nothing wrong. We go to museums and we see — soft-core, obviously — we see sexy pictures. And why can't you enjoy your sexual life?

So I’m for healthy erotica. I am against the hardcore porn.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

We're talking about not happiness for people in general — we're talking about your happiness. Your individual glow in life. Your feeling that you are really on the right track — or at least you're aiming in that direction — and that you have good thinking skills, and that you have a good moral code to guide you. A rational moral code, not a mystical code, not an irrational moral code.

Look what’s happening now, where people are being told they have to kill themselves, and they buy into it. That’s an ugly moral code. A moral code should tell you — in my favorite author’s terms, my favorite philosopher, Ayn Rand — not to suffer and die. But a moral code should tell you how to enjoy your life and live on this earth, how to fully flourish, being honest, having integrity, having a feeling of earned pride — not a boastful pride, obviously — and making yourself into a person that you can sleep with at night, that you admire.

And that’s no easy task. And it's not an easy task when you’ve been fed contradictions throughout your life — ideas that have said, “Don’t make waves,” or “You can’t fight City Hall,” or “Who are you to speak? Who do you think you are?” Or “That’s selfish — you want a career that you would enjoy? How selfish! When other people — here’s the four-letter word — need you.”

That is not a healthy view of life, and yet it’s been accepted as a moral code. And most people are hopelessly confused, and they wobble back and forth between, “Oh, I’m a good person because I do for everyone else but myself,” and “You know what, it’s about time I did for myself. I'm going back to the gym, and I'm just tired of doing for everyone else,” and then you feel guilty — and it's just a roller coaster ride.

Don’t do that to yourself. If you want the gift of a lifetime, get a rational moral code. And you can do that by going to my website, DrKenner.com, and looking at books there I have.

But even better, you can go to AynRand.org and maybe get The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged. That’s how I started. And I’ll tell you, I love my life now, and I have worked hard to learn communication skills, to learn thinking skills, and to really learn how to flourish — to learn how to pursue my own goals, and to, when I earn guilt: man, I need to make amends. And when I have unearned guilt: man, I need to learn not to accept an unearned guilt, which many of us accept way too quickly.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com — and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

For romantic love to be successful and enduring, it is absolutely critical that each partner feel visible to one another. You should feel especially visible for what is most important to you, and ideally, you'll want to feel visible as a whole person, not just for a few narrow traits.

One important type of visibility is emotional visibility. Emotional visibility means understanding and empathizing with each other's emotions.

Another important type of visibility is philosophy-of-life visibility. Philosophy-of-life visibility means understanding and acknowledging your partner's deepest values and sense of life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.