The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Richard, welcome to the show.

Yes. Thank you very much.

Tell me your question.

Well, my question is, what can I do in a particular situation? The situation I'm speaking about is driving—be it every day, going to work, or taking a trip.

Okay, and what's the problem?

Well, I like to drive my car, and I like to drive my car with the purpose of getting to my destination as quickly as possible.

Okay, are you a fast driver? Speed Demon?

Not necessarily a speed demon, but I don’t violate anyone's rights in the process. But if something can be done in 15 minutes, as opposed to 35, then I'm going to do that in 15 minutes.

Okay, tell me the situation when you're driving to work. Is it a rural community? You know, I think of—I live out in the sticks, but when I go to work, I take the freeways. What's the situation?

I'm living in a rural area, but I've lived in urban areas.

Okay, so you're in a rural area, and what is the speed limit there?

Most speed limits are 45, sometimes 35.

And what do you want to go?

Whatever the conditions of the road and the weather and the traffic allow.

Okay, but give me numbers, Richard.

Oh, okay, I would do 60 on some of these roads, which are posted at 35.

And when they're posted, are there homes in the area? Kids on bikes?

No, there are limited-access roads; there’s nothing around to speak of.

Okay, so your question is?

My question is, other than driving the speed at which I choose to drive, and accepting the responsibility or the possibility, I guess, of paying a speeding ticket, which I've done in the past, what else can I do?

You could challenge it legally. I'm sure you could go to your town council and just say that this seems unreasonable in this area or gather together with other people. I know we used to have a speed trap on Route 6 in Rhode Island that was just atrocious. It was a joke. They would have a limited-access area on it, no homes, and it was a huge hill that led right to the freeway. The on-ramp to the freeway—the police would always sit there, and they would catch people. They would catch them even if they went over five miles over the speed limit. You know, usually, you feel like you have that flexibility. So you're saying, "What standards should I use? Should I use the legal standards, or should I use my own standards, which I judge to be appropriate?" I'm assuming you're not drinking and driving.

Oh, not at all. No. That would be against—that would be immoral, that would be against my overall goal of being alive.

Okay, so what is the conflict that you're having internally?

The conflict that I have internally, then, is that I'm living in a world—not a world, but currently, it seems that when someone is caught for going over the speed limit, most people that I talk to generally default to the fact that that person is guilty of a crime. Rights have been violated.

How many tickets have you gotten?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

How many tickets have you gotten?

I've gotten five tickets in my life.

Okay, and how old are you?

So you were driving at the age of around 16. Are they recent tickets?

No, actually, I didn't start driving till I was 20. I grew up in an urban area.

Okay, so for 10 years, they’ve been spaced out. It isn't just a slew of them.

Oh, no.

Okay, you could see that when you're in a free country, you can make this an issue in your life. Like, of all the things on your platter right now, you want to ask yourself the question, why does this bother me? Why was this enough to trigger a phone call to Ellen? And that’s an important question to ask because you could have relationship problems. There could be other things. If your mind focuses on less significant things, say, like speeding, rather than something that's right up front and personal, like a relationship or a career that's falling apart, then you don’t want to let this be a distractor in your life. If this is something where you do have a personal interest, for example, I remember when I was on Route 6, and I would see everybody pulled over, and actually, that’s the only ticket I ever got in my life. It was on Route 6. I went to the traffic court and saw what a clown the judge was. The whole thing made a mockery of speed limits, of the law. Since then, they've stopped it. So, there were people who rallied to end that. I was not one of them—I did not make that my battleground in life. But you could. I bet you would get a lot of support for certain areas where it legitimately should have a higher speed limit in those limited-access areas.

Okay, am I conceding the fact that there should be speed limits in the first place?

Oh, I think there should be. You need standards. I mean, that’s a whole other question. And if that's your battleground, again, the question is, why? I got in the car with a relative, and my kids were always taught to put on their seat belts. They did it automatically, and it saved my son’s life. His car flipped, and he was wearing a seat belt. I got in a car with a relative who refused to wear a seat belt. My question for this person in therapy would be, what deeper issue does this stance reflect? Because that isn't random. The same goes for yourself. If you're upset about speed limits, figure out what deeper issues are involved—it can’t be just the speed limit. You wouldn’t call me for just that issue itself. It’s likely linked to very core personal experiences and much more central issues. I'd go for those, Richard, rather than the speed limit itself.

It’s true, I do go over the speed limit sometimes, on long stretches where I judge it to be safe. No cars, or even if there are cars, I feel like I’m a safe driver. But I will speed. Sometimes I go too slowly, which drives my family crazy. I try to stay within reasonable limits. Thank you for your call, and I’d be interested to hear back if you discover any deeper issues.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"No, I am not letting you out of this house."

"You can't stop me."

"Oh, yes, I can. You walk out of this house, don’t even think about coming back."

Struggles with your parents or struggles with your kids—you know how it is when they turn teenagers. Buffy’s around 16 or 17, and her mother’s a decent mother, but they clash. Mom makes a challenge, laying down consequences. It shows that you can’t force a mind. Even as a good parent, you need to reach them, set rational limits, and allow natural consequences. Trying to threaten backfires.

For more from the Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Your looks matter. They convey your attitude toward yourself. You can make two errors when it comes to your looks: thinking looks are everything or disregarding them. You’re neither just a body nor just a mind; both errors reflect your self-evaluation and affect your romantic relationships. Love is about being an integrated person with a mind and body. How you take care of and present yourself says a lot to a potential or long-term partner.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy the book at Amazon.com.