The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

I know it's me. I'm going through some changes. Well, welcome to the world. Things happen, don't you think I'm going through a lot? Not like me. Oh, what? So now you're special. You're a special boy.

You know, you may have some friends or family members who are serving in the military or who are over in maybe a different country, and what are the issues that face them? What are the concerns that they have, what are the themes that they have and when they come home, what are the issues that are facing them? Then with me today, I

have Jay White,

I heard him at a conference, How Will We Welcome Them Home, a conference on post-traumatic stress disorder and helping vets come home and make life easier for them. He is a readjustment counselor at the Hartford Veterans Center, and I want to welcome you to the show today, Jay.

Thank you.

Jay, would you want to talk a little bit about some of the concerns that the vets have? What are the common issues that you see a lot of the vets facing?

Well, I tell a lot of them that I wish that they could sit in here and listen to everybody else, because, you know, many times they come in here, they feel like they're alone and they're the only one with problems. But I think the biggest thing we see is people who aren't sleeping very well, and then right matching that would be anger issues. Off the top of my head, those are the two biggest problems that are facing the guys. Of course, you could argue that the lack of sleep would cause the irritability, which causes the anger.

Well, it makes it worse, certainly, but anger, anger is an emotion that says that there is an injustice that has been done. Why would you think so many of them are feeling anger? Where is the injustice in their personal lives? What have you heard?

Well, during our group sessions that we have, we talk about this. And a lot of times we discuss how we feel that when we're over there, there are a lot of times where you are fearful. And for even the National Guard and Reserve people over there, who are a lot of times support element, man, this, this isn't exclusive to them. This goes to everybody. But you are fearful over there, because anything could happen at any time. So that constant fear, you realize that you need to right away. One of the first things you realize once you're in country is you got to get rid of that fear. You have to. It's gonna be there, but you've got to suppress it. And I think, and we think when we talk, that just that suppressed fear is now starting to come back and leak out in different ways. Once the people are able to come home and try to settle down, something will remind them of whatever, you know, a fearful time. Or they'll smell something, they'll feel a muscle tension in something, and it reminds them of the time, how they felt scared and whatnot. And I think a lot of that comes out, and when it comes out, it comes out in the form of anger.

Yeah, that's interesting that it comes out as anger, because if you look at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a lot of it is that they don't want to relive that they survived in, let's say, when I worked with the vets, was the Vietnam vets and the other wars. And you, you have to train your mind, if I'm hearing you correctly, in survival mode, not to focus on how afraid you are, but to suppress that fear.

Absolutely. You notice right away that you're scared, and you know that you've learned in the past that anytime you're scared, you don't perform as well, and God knows that's the time to not perform well. And by that, I mean to not think on your feet. Be able to get safe, to do the safest thing to get out of a situation that you might need to get out of or help someone else to get out of a situation, you've got to be able to think clearly. And if you let fear distract you, it's dangerous. So you learn, I think it's instinctively, you just learn to put the fear on the back burner, and then when you come home, it seems to somehow creep its way to the front burner.

Okay, because it doesn't go away. Your mind just doesn't erase it as if it didn't happen. So you've trained your mind to numb, to avoid thinking of your fear.

I suppose that would be how you could describe it.

And then in your own personal experiences, what happened when you came home because you fought in Baghdad, you fought whereabouts?

I was in Baghdad, right. In the National Guard, right? Yeah, I was with the 83rd Army Reserve unit, and we, we got a team of us. Several teams of us were sent forth, the 82nd or with the third ID. I was with the third ID with just a team of four. So they were in Baghdad, and that's where I was with them.

And when you came home, how did that suppressed fear start leaking out? What did you observe in yourself that you're saying is normal? A lot of vets have said this in group therapy or privately to you.

Anger was a big issue for me. Of course, the nightmares, they did start to go away after a little while, but they definitely made you believe you were there. Very scary, you know, very vivid, very vivid. And just hyper-alertness, you hear a bang. Even still, you hear a bang. It doesn't sound like it used to, especially, you know, for instance, everyone mentions fireworks, right? Fireworks. Or, you know, they're gonna pop off. That's one thing, if you don't see them, and they pop off, right?

We had a truck backing up at the VA, and I was in a group with vets, and boy, you should have seen that response, you know how it backfires or backs up, and it was just instantaneous with all of them. And I'm sitting there perfectly relaxed, because I haven't served in a war, and to me, it was just a truck making noise.

Yeah, and I'm sure there's probably many people who've been in car accidents, they’ve been to war, but they've had traumatic experiences, much different, you know, and certain smells, I mean smells they say, are something that can bring you back the fastest.

That's interesting with the Vietnam vets that I worked with, when they said, when they went on a golf course and they smelt the mustiness, it brought them right back to the jungles, and the family couldn't understand it, because here they are on a lovely Saturday afternoon playing golf, and they're totally traumatized. You know, it's a different experience for them than for everyone else. You're a readjustment counselor. What advice would you want to give to the vets? You know, you're the one that you're hearing that they're isolating, they're not sleeping well, they've got a lot of anger. What type of advice would you want to give them, especially for the vets who are afraid to get help?

Ah, well, that's what I would have said, is to get help. But—

No, you can. That's okay.

I think that they need to give themselves a break. And one, it's ironic, because you learn in the military that everything is teamwork. That's the first thing anyone learns right from boot camp, basic training, wherever you go, you learn right away everything is teamwork. But it's pretty ironic how you come home and now you have to handle this. And the Vietnam vets and the Korean and World War Two vets have proven that this stuff doesn't go away right away. So we need to look at what they've done. Let's learn from their mistakes. As veterans, looking at these other veterans, some of those guys needed to get help right away. So we shouldn’t belittle whatever we did over there. And, you know, a lot of the vets are so proud, they think that, oh, well, what I did wasn’t compared to what somebody in Vietnam did, or, you know, guys in Vietnam didn’t compare to World War Two and vice versa, whatever. Yeah, and they need to stop doing that and say, Listen, I do need help. I can’t do this alone. And I get help wherever you can, if it’s at a hospital or the Vet Center, you know, just to be able to talk through your trauma.

Okay, with Jay White today. Thank you so much for joining us. And if you’re someone who’s struggling very personally with this and you want to find new coping strategies for yourself, or you want to be able to identify the trouble signs within yourself early, go ahead, go to the Vet Center and see if you can speak to someone such as Jay White. Jay White's a readjustment counselor who can help you, help you put your life back on track. Thank you so much for being with us today, Jay.

Thank you.

And I did a lot of family therapy with vets, and I just noticed that it takes its toll on even the littlest ones in the family, when dad pulls back and when dad's got unexplainable anger. So if it’s dad or mom, in this case, go get yourself some help. It’s good for you. It’s good for your own dignity, and it’s certainly good for those you love.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.