The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

What is it like to have served in the war in Iraq or in Afghanistan? With me today is Jay White, who has worked with a lot of vets from the global war on terrorism, and he's a readjustment counselor, and he's been—he's been there and back. Jay, welcome so much to the show. You're from the Hartford Vet Center, aren't you?

Yes, I am. Thank you for having me, Dr. Kenner.

Yeah. And I wondered, what was it like when you were first called over? What was that like for you?

We were first called over in 2003 and to be honest with you, our unit was kind of alerted since September 11, so we went about a year and a half of waiting to go. And to be honest with you, it was a little bit relieving to finally—finally get the real call.

So dealing with the uncertainty was really tough on you.

It was very tough. The whole year of 2002 was just in limbo for not just me, but my family and everyone involved—friends, coworkers—and that went for pretty much all the guys in my unit.

Yeah, and is that something like, there's nothing you can do about that? The uncertainty is real and there's no specific way to cope. Or did you find a way that really helped you cope with having been called up and being in that waiting period?

Personally, I spent most of the time just staying in shape and focusing on getting in good physical condition more than anything, and I think that helped me mentally too. But my theory was, if something happens to me, I didn't want it to happen to me because I was too slow or something.

So you were really gearing up for survival.

Sure. I guess you could say that. But, you know, it was kind of like we had never experienced it before. So for anybody who's, like, played sports or anything, you think of it as a big event. So you need to get in shape for that event, and that's what I did.

So during that period, then once you got the call to go over, how did that affect you? And I'm assuming you're not married?

I'm not married yet. Actually, I'll probably be married by the end of the summer.

Okay, how did it affect you when you got called?

I remember my mother was not happy at all, but I kept telling her—and anyone who agreed with her—that it was a good thing, because we had to go and come back before we could finally, you know, be done with worrying about going.

Yeah, that makes sense. So you focused more on the relief. “Mom, we’ve been living in uncertainty for so long.”

Right. I had to pretty much explain to her, you know, “Well, listen, we're gonna go, so let’s just go and get this over with.”

Yeah. And what—as a mother, I'm a mother too, and I would—I know what I would feel like. I would just feel devastated because I would picture him coming back hurt or maybe even not coming back. How did you—how do you help people like your mother who are in that position?

Well, to be honest with you, you know that what she's thinking is a possibility, and it's not easy. What do you tell someone? So I think the best thing to do in any situation is kind of focus on the positive, and that being, “Oh, I'm with people I know.” In my case, my reserve unit, I'm with my friends. What I'm going to be doing over there, in particular for me, was a good thing, you know? Just keep reiterating, “Listen, I'm mature. I'll make right decisions. I'll keep in mind the safety of the mission before we go out. And I won't be doing crazy things.” Just kind of anything to reassure, you know, a parent or whoever.

Are there ways to keep in contact? Were they able to touch base with you during the war?

They could, to a degree. It's better now than it was in OIF One—they call it that. That was the first phase of the Iraq War. Yeah, for me in particular, I didn't have the easiest time contacting home for the first couple of months when the war first started, just based on where I was, and I didn’t get mail for a month or so. But that was an isolated situation, where we were. But for the people in the rear detachment, they could have contacted home. And for pretty much everybody now, from what I’ve been hearing from the veterans who come in here, they have a decent amount of contact.

So there's some support. And it’s not like it’s a vacuum. Too much contact is an issue, actually, right?

Jay, what would you say was the scariest moment in the war for you?

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Jay, what would you say was the scariest moment in the war for you?

No doubt that I remember the date, actually—April 15, 2003. It was just the middle of the night, and I guess—now, looking back, there were just mortars coming in. We weren't at a particular base. We just kind of hopped around.

This is in Baghdad?

In Baghdad, right. And you just didn’t know. I mean, like the pattern of them—it just seemed like they got closer and closer and louder and louder. And the scariest part was thinking that you could be dead in the next 30 seconds. But not even that. It wasn’t as much about being afraid of dying as it was thinking, “How is the news going to be handled when it reaches home?” You know, that to me was like—so thinking of your family members, thinking of them and feeling that responsibility, that “Oh my God, I'm gonna cause so much pain, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Right. Well, that’s a fascinating situation. Like, I wish I could snap my fingers and just be at home. Anything at home would be better than this right now. So just for that two-hour period, or whatever it was—

Yeah. And then there must have been tremendous relief when you felt out of danger again.

Well, it's gradual, but yeah. So it is—when you look back at the whole thing, it is relieving. But, you know, it's not like you're there and then, oh, it's gone. You know, there's a gradual thing.

So I want to give you a moment to be able to explain what you do. You served in the National Guard, but you're now a readjustment counselor. And what would you like to tell people—people like yourselves who've served in Afghanistan or Iraq?

Well, they hired like 50 of us who are veterans of either Afghanistan or Iraq in 2004, and I was lucky enough to get a position here in Hartford. So they hired us with the intention that veterans coming back will feel more comfortable. At least, that’s what my take is—that they hired us for that reason, that veterans would feel more comfortable talking to somebody who was there and is in their rough age group and whatnot.

But the biggest thing is, it's not easy to come in. First of all, you get home, you're with a bunch of your friends, you've seen them all the time, you just want to go home and forget about it and go back to work. And, you know, if you're in the Reserves or the Guard especially—and there's so many of them—

Even active duty, a lot of times they come home, they have another mission.

And you want people to be able to reach out and get the help. I think you were right to me.

Exactly. Where can they go for help?

Well, they can go anywhere, and not just the Vet Center. There are Vet Centers in pretty much every city in the country—in definitely, in every state. And that’s a great place to go because the counselors are veterans, and it's free.

Is there a number or website?

There is, yeah. There's an 800 number that they can call, but—

Okay, we don't have that right now.

Yeah. Well, listen, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show today. I'm talking with Jay White, who's from the Department of Veterans Affairs in Hartford, right?

Right.

And you're a readjustment counselor. And so if you're a vet coming back, and you're a family member of a vet—

Correct.

Jay, that’s right—you can reach out and get the help, and there’s no stigma to it. They’re really working on trying to not have this be a stigma issue for the military.

Thank you so much for joining us today, Jay.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

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