The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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We see it on the news. We see the vets coming home and embracing their family members. And it looks so loving, so wonderful. And yet, there's another side to this. And with me today to discuss this is Jay White. Jay White has been to Baghdad, and he works with the global war on terrorism. He's a readjustment counselor at the Hartford Veterans Center, and he will tell us a little bit about what are some of the issues that the vets face when they come home, the outreach, what are some coping skills that they can use, and what resources are available to them.

Welcome to the show, Jay.

Hi, thank you.

Jay, tell a little bit about where you served and what you did, and then we'll go right into what are the issues that you faced when you came home, and what are the issues you currently face, because, as I understand it, you're going back again.

Okay. I'm with and was with the 883rd Medical Company out of Boston Army Reserve, and we served in Iraq, in Baghdad. I was embedded with the Third Infantry Division, so that's what I did then. And you know, like we mentioned, coming home, you do deal with a lot of readjustment issues, trying to get back in touch with your family, your life, and put all the stuff behind you. And in fact, you can't really put it behind you, because it's always still there. So there's a big issue with that. And you're right, the fact that many do need to return back is a common problem because you live with the uncertainty, the uncertainty all over again.

Yeah, how many times can you keep going back, you know?

Right. I think you mentioned when I went to a conference where I heard you, "How Will We Welcome Them Home?" You said something on the order of, "How many times can you press your luck?"

That's true. I feel that way personally. I'm sure others may feel differently, but me, personally, I do wonder how many times can you press your luck and drag your family through it with you. It's not just you going. Unfortunately, it affects everyone around you.

Right. When you came back, who was the first family member that you saw?

That I saw?

Yeah.

One of my younger sisters.

Yeah. Were you getting off of a plane or off of a bus?

In Boston, yeah.

And then what was that like, just to reconnect again with this world?

Actually, our bus was there a little early, so the people had been told we were getting there a little later, so when we actually got off the bus, there was nobody.

Oh, that's painful.

Yeah. About 15 minutes later, my sister—it was actually her 21st birthday that day, so that was nice for both of us—and my cousin Vicky, they came together, and they came running down the street. They saw me. I was, like, on the corner by that point. Yeah, I just heard two people screaming, and looked, and they pretty much tackled me, you know?

That's wonderful. I can visualize that. Tell me—that's like the welcoming home. That's the high point of, "Oh my gosh, it's really true. I'm home." And what is it like, though? What are some of the hidden issues that get buried for a lot of the vets, including yourself? The trouble signs that you want to look out for—things that you don't want to just bury and pretend they don't exist. You need to get help for them.

Looking at it through the eyes of the veteran or from the eyes of the veteran, let's see. I think you need to remember how you were before you left and kind of compare the two. Now, you need to realize too that you have changed and all that, and give that some room. But if you realize that you do have a shorter fuse than you used to, or you're not motivated to do the things you used to do, take note of that stuff. Not necessarily be concerned, because, remember, you did change, but take note of it. Are you not sleeping now?

Are you afraid to go to the grocery store because there's too many people around?

Yeah, tell me about that one.

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Are you afraid to go to the grocery store because there's too many people around?

Yeah, tell me about that one.

I think the biggest thing for so many people who have to go into urban areas is you have fear of something coming from any different angle, and people could be very close to you and whatnot. And then you get home, and that fear of maybe not trusting the people around you kind of carries on to where you are. So you get into—you know, you get on the T in Boston or something, and you're not feeling too comfortable because there's no way out. There's a lot of people you don't know.

So you're still in survival mode, right?

Right, and it gets worse from there, physically.

So you can have panic attacks, the hyperventilating. You can have just that hyper-arousal—being on alert. Your life feels like it's on the line all the time. And that doesn't just stop when you go to sleep. You're saying people have sleep difficulties and a lot of anger problems too?

Yeah, and a lot of people just have trouble getting to sleep. And it goes beyond getting used to the time change, because it carries on for months. A lot of times, can't get to sleep, wake up early, wake up every hour.

And so it makes sense that there are going to be more divorces, more marital problems, job problems, or people turning to drugs and alcohol if they're in that much internal pain—or maybe even some self-harm there?

Yeah, unfortunately, all of that does happen. Thankfully, it doesn't seem to be overrunning the population of people coming back, but it definitely is out there. And I think one of the first things people need to take note of is isolating. Are they spending too much time by themselves? Now, it's important to keep time for yourself too, but are they coming home from work and just kind of staying on the computer and not doing anything else all day? Are they just going out in the garage and working on their truck and not doing anything else with anybody ever?