The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

What are we going to do about us? Well, us, us is going to drink. I hope for me, one then, thanks.

Now, what if you have a few drinks every night? But you don't think you're an alcoholic, but you do think you have problems, and you feel more down and out at times, and you're angrier with your kids? How do you recognize whether or not you've got an alcohol problem, and what the heck do you do about it? And also, what happens if friends and family members are telling you you're drinking too much, and you find yourself being quite defensive? With me today to discuss this is a nationally known, award-winning health and medical journalist and bestselling author, Ann Fletcher, whose book Sober for Good is one that you want to go out and get. If you're troubled with alcohol, it can help you kick the habit. Welcome, Ann. I'm delighted to have you on the show again.

Thank you. Good to be with you.

Now, what if I had an alcohol problem, but I kind of know it, but I don't. I have a few drinks every night. I have a few martinis or I have some wine and well, big deal I have some wine, but I feel like I'm doing it to escape problems at home and problems at work. How do you raise my awareness? How could you help me with that?

Right? What you're asking is, how do you know when you have a drinking problem? How do you identify? And I asked that question of the 222 people who I surveyed for Sober for Good. I went out and found 222 people who had an average of 13 years of sobriety, who had recovered from drinking problems in many different ways, with AA and without AA. And I asked them, you know, one of the questions I asked was, how did you know that you had a drinking problem? Because I have people in there, some people who never drank more than a couple of drinks a day, who recognized they had a problem, nevertheless didn’t necessarily call themselves alcoholics, all the way up to, you know, people who drank, oh, a pint a day. There were people kind of in the middle range. And then I had people who were drinking very heavy amounts, up to a quart or more a day. Yeah, a lot of, you know. So there was a wide range, but one of the important messages of the book is that you can recognize that you have a drinking problem before it gets really bad.

So what were some of the wake-up call questions that these people, some of the things that they recognized, that led them to see that alcohol was causing problems in their life?

Here are some of the questions that they suggested I share. Do you notice that you drink more than others? You know? I noticed that when I had a drinking problem, even though I wasn’t falling down drunk every time I drank, most of the time I wasn’t. I noticed that when other people stopped drinking, I was still looking for the waiter to refill my glass. Are you unable to drink just one? Do you repeatedly have pain in your life caused by alcohol, but you still continue to drink? Does drinking depress you? Have you ever avoided taking a medication because you know you can’t drink when you’re on that medication? Are you using alcohol as an escape from life’s problems? Do you feel that something is missing in your day if you’re faced with the thought of not having a drink? If alcohol is not available, do you make it available? Let’s say you’re going to a picnic or a party, and you know that these are people who don’t usually serve alcohol. Does it bother you? Do you feel compelled to bring it along? You know, this doesn’t mean that you are an alcoholic, but these might be just some of the warning signs that alcohol is starting to become too important in your life.

Then, it’s becoming more of a crutch, rather than just something to enhance your life. Tell me, if I have a spouse, a husband — for me, it would be a husband — but he’s not a drinker. But say I had an alcoholic husband, or if it were my father or mother who was an alcoholic. How would you recommend helping those people? I love them. I mean, sometimes I hate them, but I love them, and I want to help them, but every time I try to help them, I feel like they turn on me.

Well, I have a whole chapter devoted to this, but I think I want to — I’ve gone about it in a different way from most people before me. I went to these 222 people who are now sober, who once had drinking problems and have an average of 13 years of sobriety.

That's right.

And I asked them for their advice. You know, now that you’re on the other side of a drinking problem, what advice do you have for loved ones of people who are struggling with a drinking problem? One of the myths out there is that you can’t do anything to help a problem drinker until they’re ready. In fact, there are things that you can do to make a difference. One of them, which I think a lot of people know already, but it’s important, is that you should not enable the person. You should not make it easy for that person to keep on drinking. Don’t cover up for them. You know, I tell the story in the book of a woman whose family ignored her drinking problem. She said, "How did you know that you needed to do something about this?" And she said, "One night, I woke up at four in the morning from one of my drunken stupors, and pinned to me was a note from my little boy which said, ‘Mom, please stop doing this. I love you so much, and I’m afraid you’re going to kill yourself.’”

I said, “Wow, you know that’s certainly a moving story. But why did that turn you around when so many other times, nothing people said to you made a difference?” And she said something that I heard over and over again, which is that nagging, preaching, and complaining absolutely don’t work. She said that when her little boy pinned that note on her, it was the first time somebody had confronted her about her drinking problem but did it in a loving way. So that’s something that I heard from many people: confront the problem, don’t deny it, don’t sweep it under the rug, but do it in a loving way. Talk about how the problem affects you: “I feel so bad when you drink because you don’t remember anything I tell you that night. You forget everything the next day. I feel bad because we don’t do any of the things we used to do when you didn’t drink, because all you care about is drinking.”

So be a straight shooter, you mean, but not in a nasty way. But if you do it in a nasty way, which you have every right to feel sometimes, might that backfire and often make the situation worse?

It probably will. One woman told me, you know, lots of times when people are drinking too much, they get real talkative and they call friends or family. One woman said to me, “How many times I called my sister up, going on and on when I was drunk, and she knew I was drunk, and what she should have said to me was, ‘Call me back when you’re sober.’”

Wonderful advice. Now, what would you recommend if it’s my husband who’s drinking, and I need some help for myself? What do I need to do for myself?

Well, certainly, Al-Anon can be helpful, and there is research that shows it is helpful for the loved ones of problem drinkers. However, it does kind of perpetuate the myth that there’s nothing you can do to help motivate that person. There are some things you can do, and I do talk about those strategies. We don’t have time to get into them here. There are also some family-based programs that help, but they’re not really widely available across the country. I do have some information about them and how you might be able to find somebody who can help you with some specific behavioral strategies. Certainly, get some counseling yourself. Explore some of the options that are out there to help that person, from AA to less traditional recovery groups like SMART Recovery and Women for Sobriety or SOS. You want to have those resources when the person is ready.

One thing I liked in your book Sober for Good, Ann, is the advice to take care of yourself, to make sure that you have a life independent of the person struggling with alcohol.

That’s right. Don’t let your life revolve around them.

Just because that person is tumbling downhill, you don’t have to put your life on hold.

Exactly. Get together with friends, take courses — whatever makes you feel better.

Thank you so much for joining us again. The book is Sober for Good, and the author is Ann Fletcher.

Thank you. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

When your loved one is your highest, most selfish, most important social value, you will want to treat him or her accordingly, and your loved one will want to treat you similarly. This means regularly asking yourself, "What can I do to make this relationship thrive?" The actions you take will sustain and enhance your emotions, your love, and your passion. Your love will grow and flourish. In financial matters, partners should encourage one another to balance short-term and long-term goals. Only a small percentage of people engage in long-term financial planning, yet everyone needs to do this, and you should start at least 30 years before retirement. Today, more than ever, couples need to take charge of their own retirement planning.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.