The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com.

Naeem: That's right. That's correct. Close enough. Close it. How do you pronounce it? Name? Naeem, yeah. Okay. And your question is, what? Naeem?

Naeem: Okay, I had an episode, and it was possible live, and right now they're treating me for BPD.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, that's borderline personality disorder.

Naeem: Yeah, that's correct, right? And I also believe I have schizophrenia, and they're treating me with Abilify.

Dr. Kenner: Go ahead.

Naeem: My therapist seems to want to focus more on the BPD rather than the schizophrenia. I do cut a lot, yeah. And I'm just wondering if maybe, you know, I should just confront her about it and say, look, you know, maybe I should be focusing more on the schizophrenia, because every time I cut, it's usually after a schizophrenic episode.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, you want to give her whatever data you can. She can't read your mind. And so it's very good that you share that information with her, and it's even better if you can share very specific details of what thoughts you were having and why cutting is a consequence of those thoughts. Right now, just so you know, with borderline personality disorder, what do you know about it?

Naeem: Oh, it just has to deal with my rage, and it stems from stuff that happened in my past.

Dr. Kenner: Right. You've had it for a long time, right?

Naeem: Pretty much, yeah.

Dr. Kenner: How old are you now?

Naeem: 22.

Dr. Kenner: And you've had it for a couple of years then? Or how long?

Naeem: Five years, I would say. I hadn't been diagnosed until recently.

Dr. Kenner: Yes. So you had an episode where you got hospitalized, and your question is what should she be treating you for? My suggestion would be, with either one of those, you want to learn whatever is within your power to control. You want to learn skills that can help you think more clearly and avoid the catastrophic thinking that triggers you to self-mutilate or cut. You say that you're a cutter?

Naeem: Yes.

Dr. Kenner: Is that how you hurt yourself?

Naeem: Yes.

Dr. Kenner: Okay. Just so you know, in case you don't, my guess is that you know this very well, but do you know what borderline personality disorder refers to?

Naeem: I'm not sure what you're asking.

Dr. Kenner: Well, you've had very rocky relationships throughout your life. You've had struggles, and you don't have a firm idea of your own self-image. That can be a scary place to be. All of us have had periods of self-doubt, but with borderline, it's too much the norm in your life. Your emotions are all over the place, right? When you don't know quite who you are, where you're going, what you want out of life, and how to relate to people, it just feels like a mess.

Naeem: Yep.

Dr. Kenner: And you want the skills in each of those categories. You want to define your own goals. What do you love in life? Not what your parents, teachers, or partner want for you, but something rational that you would feel fulfilled doing as a career or job. Are you in a job right now?

Naeem: What I really want to know... I understand all that stuff, yeah, but what really gets me is, you know, I see people that are not there. Today, I had... I was sleeping. I had a dream. I woke up, and I had a dream that I cut myself on my wrist with glass, yeah. And when I woke up, my wrists were cut, and every wound that was on my body was bleeding. I ran downstairs, and there were some friends there, and they said there was nothing there. But, I mean, I saw them. I have two apparitions, hallucinations—whatever you want to call them—that I see on a daily basis. One's a girl, one's a boy. But when I see the boy in the backseat of my car, that's when I usually freak out, and that leads me to start cutting. That's my way out. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with those hallucinations?

Dr. Kenner: Okay, you would want an alternative. When you’re having a hallucination, you need a plan in advance. If you just see them, it is a freaky experience. But when you can name it—oh, this is just a hallucination—you can settle yourself down. What I want to recommend for you is cognitive therapy. Are you familiar with that? It's a form of therapy that gives you a lot of good thinking skills.

Naeem: See, nobody's really gone into the schizophrenic part of this.

Dr. Kenner: Well, there are cognitive therapists who specialize in schizophrenia. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, or you could go to academyofct.org—that’s cognitive therapy.org. They sometimes call it cognitive-behavioral therapy, but I want to focus on your thoughts. For example, if I were given drugs after an operation and started seeing hallucinations or hearing voices, if I knew to remind myself, "Oh, that's just a drug effect," it would settle my mind. I wouldn’t feel as anxious. But if I thought, "Oh my God, I'm never going to get rid of these thoughts or these apparitions," then they’re more likely to come back and trigger anxiety. That anxiety, combined with your condition, is part of what drives you to cut.

Naeem: Because it's freaky, right?

Dr. Kenner: Yeah, it's really freaky. And you want skills in advance to calm your mind so you can handle these situations more rationally, rather than seeing cutting as the only option. Cutting is not your only alternative. In fact, it worsens the situation; it doesn't improve it. So I would recommend going to that website, academyofct.org, and talking to your doctor to see if she can get you into a cognitive therapy program. Share all the details with her so that she can help you work through this.

Naeem: Thank you very much.

Dr. Kenner: Oh, you're very welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Your looks matter. They convey your attitude toward yourself. You can make two errors when it comes to your looks. You can believe that looks are everything and spend your life in front of a mirror trying to look just right, or you can disregard or deliberately ignore your appearance, even intentionally make yourself look unappealing. You are neither a body without a mind, nor a mind without a body, but both of those errors say something about your evaluation of yourself and potential partners. Don’t fall in love with a mindless body or a disembodied mind. Instead, fall in love with an integrated person, someone whose body is directed by their mind. How you take care of yourself and present yourself physically says a lot to a prospective romantic partner as well as to a long-term partner.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.