The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I received from Kara. Think about your own mom. Maybe you got really lucky. Maybe you had an amazing, nurturing, loving mom who was playful. Yeah, you might have had your bumps in the road, but basically, you can look back and say my mom was my best friend, or she was there for me. Not everyone has that sort of a mom, and this is the case with Kara. So see what advice you might give Kara.

Hi, Dr. Kenner,

My name is Kara, and I'm 17. I've been living in silence for years now. Look how young she is. I was given a chance to meet a psychologist earlier this year, and after we talked, she told me that she thinks I need more sessions and some help to understand and feel better. My mom disagrees. She plans to solve all my problems without any help. She can't. Why is she denying me the ability to get help, especially when the psychologist told her of the risks of what might happen if I don't get help? How can I convince my mother that I need help? Honestly, I need to talk to someone, someone who doesn't know me and who doesn't judge me, if you know what I mean. Thanks. Hope you can help me soon.

Kara, Kara, when you said you're living in silence for years, it is so great that you have the courage to reach out, that you've tasted life outside of rule by mom, and you've spoken to a psychologist, and you're learning to express yourself in the context of one therapy session with a psychologist. And you like that feeling. You want more of that.

And so here's the situation. You're 17, so you got a big problem. You need to wait at least to hear, and then you're on your own and you can see psychologists, but maybe there's a bit more you can do. So the therapist you want to ask yourself the question, what's up with mom? Why is she refusing? You know, the therapist has said, hey, there are risks. If you don't get help, there are risks.

Now you didn't share what the problem was. Maybe you're depressed, maybe you're having panic attacks, or maybe there's an eating disorder. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it was enough for a psychologist to say, Man, you need to tend to yourself. You need to tend to your mental health, you need to tend to the chaos or whatever is going on in your mind.

So why does a mother refuse? Let me go through a few reasons. Not all of them are pretty. Now I'm assuming it's not a life-threatening situation. Otherwise, they could overrule your mom. So let's say that your mom is just worried that a psychologist may perhaps give you wrong ideas. You know, not all psychologists are the same, and perhaps mom's a bit cautious, or maybe she wants to give herself another chance to be a better parent. Maybe it was a wake-up call when you went to the psychologist, and she'll feel like a failure if she doesn't try just one more time.

Maybe there are financial reasons, and now we get into some questionable areas. Maybe she's embarrassed. Her daughter is going to a shrink. What will the neighbors think? What will the family think? Maybe your mother knows that she's part of the cause, and maybe the majority, the bulk of the cause, and she wants to cover it up. Many parents get very nervous when their child goes behind closed doors and talks about their home life with a stranger, a psychologist. They feel like they're losing control of the situation.

So what can you do? Kara, number one, hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So what can you do? Kara, number one, know that you're only a year away from 18, so you can get all the help then, but let's get you the help sooner, too. For number one, I would not give up on mom yet. I would reach out to your mother and say something along the lines of, “Mom, we both know…” and you'll have to fill in the blank because you know what's been going on. So I'm just going to use depressed and anxious, mom. We both know I've been depressed and anxious for some time, and that neither of us have the skills that a professional would have. If I broke a leg, Mom, we wouldn't try to fix that on our own. You'd want me to get medical attention as soon as possible.

I feel like my mind is in chaos, and I want to feel your support. I want to continue with Dr. so-and-so. I find her helpful. I'd like to make another appointment with her this week and continue weekly visits for a trial period.

Now you can try that. Notice I did a few things. I didn't say I want to see her sometime in the future. I said I want to make an appointment this week and see her for a few weeks. So I'm letting mom know that I'm ready to rock and roll right away. And I also say the word trial period, so it's not too scary for mom. You know, once I get my foot in the door and a therapist, I might be able to stay with her easier.

The second situation is, if your mom refuses, if you're in school, go to a school counselor. They may be able to give you some psychological support, or they may be able to speak with your mom about the seriousness of the situation and the benefit of therapy. You can speak with your medical doctor, share your concerns with your medical doctor. He may be able to talk with your mom. If your dad's in the picture and you're close with him, engage his cooperation, or a relative's cooperation. Maybe an aunt can get you some help.

Again, I said you're going to be 18 soon, but a big gift to yourself, I would watch this in private without your mother around. Go rent the movie Tangled, the Disney movie about Rapunzel. Watch that movie and see if it doesn't give you some ideas about liberation. And I just adored that movie, and I loved the scenes that I'm recommending it for right now.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Dr. Kenner and Locke. Here are five ways of making your partner feel loved and visible: show encouragement and appreciation, spend quality time together, give appropriate gifts, help out, and touch in a loving, sincere way. Most partners will appreciate all five. However, different people may place different degrees of importance on them. Discover what makes your partner feel loved and visible.

If you neglect trying to understand your partner, it conveys that you don't think your loved one is important. Your partner feels invisible and not connected to you on the deepest level, and this undermines your romantic relationship, including your sex life. If you don't understand your partner, even when you do take actions that demonstrate love, they might be the wrong actions.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.