The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. DrKenner.com,

Amber, your parents. Hi, hon, your parents abandoned you.

My father left me when I was seven. Okay,

sorry to hear that. Yeah, and mom,

mom’s around, but she wasn’t necessarily a great mom, in what way? I mean, you know, she didn’t really take responsibility of my life. I felt like, you know, and I try to look at a different perspective, that maybe she, you know, she had a lot of responsibility on her, and she didn’t really know what she was doing. I was a first child, but at the same time, it’s like she never pushed me to get my license, she never pushed me to go to college. She kind of just let me do whatever I wanted to do. And as a teenager, you know you want to do whatever you want to do, right? Have that parental thing being like, "This isn’t what you want to do, because I know better, and you should be doing this." I never got that from her.

Most kids complain about that, right? You know, “My mother, she won’t let me go out,” or “She’s got a curfew” or whatever, and they don’t know that that’s showing some level of caring. That’s showing that "I value you, I care about you." Tuned into you. "I’m aware that you’re going out tonight, I’m worried, because you’re with a group of kids that I’m not that comfortable with." And with you, your mom was so hands-off that it felt like you were invisible, like it didn’t matter, like you didn’t matter.

It wasn’t that I was invisible. It’s just like, you know, she obviously had a lot of love for me. It was just more that she didn’t really understand how to take the responsibility of a child. Okay, so you’re saying necessarily, like, make them grow into a better person. Like she understood how to have a child and love them and stuff, but she didn’t necessarily know how to mold them and make them a better person.

So it wasn’t as bad as I mentioned. You’re saying that you did feel that she valued you, she loved you. It’s just that she didn’t get the skills for herself. She was either on overload or she just didn’t know how to guide you. And so instead of discovering the skills, it was more hands-off in a way that was not good.

I would like to think that, yes. Right. So tell me, what would you like some help with now?

I mean, I feel like I’m going to be 27 in a couple of weeks, okay? And I feel like I’m reaching that time in my life where I can’t disregard every problem that’s gone wrong in my life—that I actually have to, like, get it face to face, like, you know, my father left me, and I went through a lot of physical abuse as a child, and I feel like, you know, I left when I was 17 from my parents’ house, and I felt like that was just an act out of me, just to get away from the abuse and everything. But I felt, you know, my mom knew about it, and she never stopped it, because she’s not necessarily a strong person to really say, “Hey, stop hurting my child.” She just kind of let it happen. And even though I love her and I forgive her, at the same time, there is a little resentment there. And you know, when I tried to get my license today, there’s like, all this stuff that I have to do, but I feel like this is something I should have done 10 years ago, because I should have had the parental support to get a license and to have that independence and do something with my life, and I never got that support.

So what I’m hearing is that you did not have a very warm, nurturing life. Who was abusing you?

It’s a really weird situation, like, my mom met my stepdad, and, you know, they did their thing, but my stepdad was involved with this woman named Joan, who was the mother of his best friend. And the best friend died of cancer. But then Joan kind of just continued to stay with him. And then when I grew up, when my mom married my stepdad, she just kind of put herself into the family because she was there and she was the one that actually did this. I mean, I remember going to elementary school and having teachers ask me if I needed to talk about anything that went on at home, because I would show up at school with bruises. But it’s not necessarily, you know, when you’re 12 years old, like, what are you going to say, right?

Right. You know, it can be scary, because you can open up a can of worms. What will happen to my parents?

Yeah, it’s very hard for me to, like, go back on holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, because she’s still there. And as much as they’re like, “Well, Amber, you know, you need to learn to, you know, get used to her.” And it’s like, I don’t think you understand that. Like I have—it’s not—I hate to say that I hate someone, but I have. I don’t even want this person in the same room with me because of the things she did to me as a child.

Okay, so here’s the deal with forgiveness.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Dr. Kenner will be back.

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Okay, so here’s the deal with forgiveness. People will say “forgive and forget,” and to me, that is totally unjust, because you have real wounds. You have memories of those psychological wounds that she gave to you, and you want to recover from them. You want to heal them. You want to move on with your life. So when people say “forgive and forget,” it’s like you give people a pass. It’s like you can take an eraser and erase what they did and then treat them in a way that they haven’t earned from you—that she hasn’t earned your respect, she hasn’t earned your love. And you never have to do that, Amber, never.

I know. I know. You know, I’ve talked to my mom and I was like, the last time I talked to her, I was like, you know, “If you want things to be right, I need that person to apologize to my family and my grandparents for the things that she did to me growing up.” They didn’t know about it, and they just recently found out about it. So it’s like, I want her—if she can apologize to my family, there might be a chance for forgiveness.

And apologies are very specific. People can have cheap apologies. “I’m sorry for whatever I did, Amber, done,” or “I’m sorry if I made you feel unhappy.” That’s not an apology. A real, heartfelt apology is really facing themselves like you’re saying—you’re coming face to face with yourself, and you’re wanting a better life. You’re at the age of 27, you want a license, and I’m sitting here cheering for you. Kudos to you, because that is great. That’s the best.

Yeah, I want to move on.

That’s exactly right. And you have a right to feel resentment towards your mom, but you don’t want to swim in resentment, because then it robs you of your life. So you want to own your own life. You want to be aware that you’ve been through difficult times. You want to have empathy for yourself. But you’re not going to change your parents. I mean, you can talk with them.

I don’t want to blame it on my mom, but your people can get to apologize to my family for the things she did to me that were out of my family’s control.

And I wouldn’t hang around waiting for an apology, because I don’t even know if I would believe an apology from that type of woman. And sometimes, believe it or not, I’ve worked with a lot of abused children, I mean, even real young ones, two and a half years old, and many times, they are more angry with the healthier parent who could have protected them than they are toward the perpetrator, the person that was abusive. And it’s like, “Why didn’t you do something?” Now I’m not saying that—that’s a possibility. I’m saying if you have any of those feelings, it’s normal, so don’t beat up on yourself. And you still can love the aspects of your mom that you love, and maybe meet her outside of the house and keep it limited to that. You set the terms. And then the biggest piece is to come face to face with: What are your dreams? What are your hopes? What are your desires? What would it mean to you to get a license and pursue those for yourself? Because nobody can take that away from you, Amber, nobody.

Like, as a woman, you know, you want to create a family, but I feel like at the same time, you know, I can think of it psychologically, because my father left me as a child. I obviously have daddy issues, right? I would obviously then be attracted to men that were like twice—

Okay, so he would be to change them.

You know what? I can talk with you after the break. What I recommend is the book I wrote with Dr. Locke, which is The Selfish Path to Romance.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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Having sex out of self-sacrificial duty when you’re tired is guaranteed to take the joy out of sex. At the same time, letting intimacy fade away due to fatigue can undermine a relationship. Partners sometimes allow their work to take over their lives, forgetting that they will have no energy for affection or lovemaking at the end of a long day. Sex is too important a pleasure and too crucial for promoting intimacy to be put on the back burner. If you show indifference to your partner’s sexual pleasure, you are showing indifference to your partner. If either of you suffers from fatigue, discuss ways to ease the burden.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.