The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm 19 years old and wondering if I was sexually abused. I am not depressed, and I have no psychological condition that I know of. Since early childhood, I've had severe stomach problems and difficulty sleeping. People thought I was sexually abused when I was around three because I began showing sexual behaviors. I used to have frequent nightmares revolving around dominating evil women and weak men that emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. My dreams show me that I fear and hate women and feel betrayed by weak men. I do have a very harsh, unkind, critical mom. She is a very strong person, and my father is a very weak person. So I've been seeking out strong men my whole life because I feel protected by them. I don't remember any sexual abuse, but my mom was emotionally abusive, and I think I'm just a victim of her abuse. The adults who knew me best as a child, including my mom, thought I was sexually abused, but they didn't know who could have done it, and it keeps me wondering. I am a girly girl, but in the past year, I've only had male friends. But since until the past year, I've only had male friends. I'm very interested in men romantically, but I've only had one serious relationship. It went very well, no sexual inhibitions. I felt very free and at ease. However, I feel like I have some secret locked away and I don't know what it is. Thanks, Megan.

Megan, it's always hard to deal with that feeling of, "Oh my god, could it be true that I was sexually abused?" It sounds like the parts of your life that are a little bit shaky may need tending to. You may want to ask yourself some questions or even get maybe a couple of therapy sessions and see where it goes, to find out about the damage a mother did, because even if you weren't sexually abused, you know you had a critical, harsh, overbearing mother, and you know you had a meek father, and so those dynamics can play into your view of women. In fact, I was a little bit touched by the fact that you emailed me a question, because I'm a woman, and you said, "I fear and hate women," so I'm very happy to know that you don't fear and hate all women. I think that's very good, that you can keep that perspective with sexual abuse. I mean, I worked with many highly, highly abused, sexually abused children for a period of time, many years ago. And the telltale signs, I mean, they had sexual knowledge at such a young age that was so age-inappropriate. And, you know, at 3, 4, 5 years old, it was awful, the graphic details that they knew. However, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

And you know, at 3, 4, 5 years old, it was awful, the graphic details that they knew. However, kids around the age of three can have age-appropriate, if you want to call it, sexual behavior. They're not sexual, but they might touch their private parts and find, you know, like they would rub their tummy. Why not? They could rub their private parts. Big deal. That doesn't mean that it's sexual activity. So, I don't know what the adults were observing, but that, you know, that's one area of exploration. However, I'm not big on fishing for sexual abuse. If it comes out naturally, if you were in therapy talking about your mother and something came out, then that's one thing, you know. If you remember a babysitter or maybe a family member, that's one thing. But to fish for it, I think you torture yourself unnecessarily. In terms of your stomach problems and your nightmares, they could all be due to your mom's harsh treatment and your dad's meekness. In fact, many times, people are more upset with the healthier parent, the one that's not abusing, your father, in this case, because he could stand up to your mother. He's an adult. You're 3 years old. How can you stand up to her? So that's another question mark for me. You know, in terms of your relationship with your parents, do you have some feelings towards your father that you're a bit upset with him? And also, kids can pick up sexual content. You had said you had sexual content in your dreams, which is puzzling to me, but they can pick up sexual content from the internet or seeing something on a movie or TV that their parents might be watching. So, I don't know whether or not... Obviously, I couldn't tell you in one phone call whether you're abused, but I would say the fact that you have a very nice relationship with a young man and your sexuality seems healthy and thriving, I would say that enjoy that. Move forward. I mean, if you need to repair the past, fine, but it sounds like you've got a lot going for you. And enjoy that. I'm Dr. Alan Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. Toll free, 1-877-DR-KENNER, if you have a question for me. That's toll free, 1-877-DR-KENNER.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner: You ever think about getting remarried? My wife's dead.

Hence the word remarried. She's dead. Yeah. Well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I mean, that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without ever really knowing anybody. And that's from Good Will Hunting. That's one of those very poignant moments. And you know, if you have the awful situation in your life where you've lost a loved one, if it's, say, it's your partner, your wife, your husband, or a partner, can you pick up the pieces after you let yourself grieve and consider companionship again? And maybe you don't want to get married. Maybe you just want female or male companionship in your life. Maybe you do want to get married, and then you need to deal with, am I betraying my wife who died, or my husband who died, or partner who died? You need to deal with those issues and figure out if you can keep that value in your life because you're still alive, and there's no reason why you can't have companionship in love, and it's not betraying the other person, although you would need to see that firsthand for yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Many types of money issues need to be addressed in every romantic relationship. For example, how much money do we want to make and how do we want to spend it? There are trade-offs when it comes to money making, such as, what kind of work week do you want? What is the importance of money versus the importance of time? How important is money compared to one's enjoyment of the job? The ideal is to get paid well for doing something you love. Where and how often are you willing to move in pursuit of your career? And how will you balance work with your partner and your children?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.