The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com.

Let me read some…

Oh no, no, no, no. I never, I never let anybody read my stories.
Why not?
Well, what if they didn't like them? What if they told me I was no good?
I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection.

And that's from Back to the Future Part One, and we've all had those moments of vulnerability. Sometimes they're not just moments; they're the undercurrent of our lives. We feel anxious, nervous, or even depressed, feeling like it’s hopeless for us, as if we’re unlovable. With me to discuss core beliefs—our deepest beliefs—is Dr. Jeff Riggenbach. He’s a cognitive therapist in Oklahoma, practicing at Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital. He has completed training with the gold standard of cognitive therapy with the Beck Institute, and is certified by the Academy of Cognitive Therapy. He gives seminars routinely and has been a professor. I’m delighted to have you on the show, Dr. Riggenbach.

Hi, Ellen, thanks for having me.

Oh, it’s wonderful that you’re here. When a person goes through life saying, “Oh, I'm afraid to show anybody my writing. I’m afraid that I'll be rejected,” what's going on there?

Well, as you mentioned, our specific thoughts are products of our core beliefs. These core beliefs are deeply ingrained assumptions or rules we’ve developed over time. They serve as filters for how we see ourselves, other people, and the world. They act as templates through which we process the information we encounter.

What would be a core belief about myself that might mess me up in life?

Oh, there are several. Just listening to your clips, I’m reminded of the core belief many people have of seeing themselves as a failure. Sometimes these core beliefs are unconscious. We don't realize what we're telling ourselves. I had a guy recently who said, “I guess I've been telling myself all this time that I’m a loser and I'll never amount to anything.” Fascinatingly, he realized his dad always told him that growing up, but he hadn’t realized he continued to tell himself the same thing. That belief of being a failure is something many people struggle with.

So that's one core belief about yourself. What about a core belief about others that someone might have?

Some people see others as incompetent or never able to do the right thing, stupid, or untrustworthy. Depending on the belief, you might act or feel differently. People who see others as incompetent often walk around feeling angry or irritable with people, never happy with life. If you see others as untrustworthy, you're likely to avoid vulnerability, keep secrets, or avoid opening up.

This could lead to commitment issues in relationships—someone might keep dating but can’t commit, perhaps due to a belief that good things can’t happen to them, or that others will always let them down.

Yes, absolutely. Those beliefs often come from past experiences of hurt or disappointment, leading people to perceive themselves as vulnerable or unable to succeed. They act in ways that keep them “safe,” such as becoming angry or defensive, or perhaps they maintain surface-level friendships but put up walls, keeping people at a distance. These walls work in preventing others from hurting them again, but…

I’ve got to interrupt this—we have to pay some bills. Just 30 seconds, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance… Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Those walls work for people trying not to be hurt by keeping others at a distance. However, they also keep out those who might help them.

Yes, or potential friends. By not taking risks, they never find out that not everyone is untrustworthy or hurtful. In order to break through those barriers and let their walls down, what would a cognitive therapist do to help someone?

It's about taking small risks, maybe identifying one person in their life worth a small risk. Some people live their entire lives with walls up, staying “safe” but missing out on intimacy, happiness, joy, or support.

And sometimes they blame the world, right?

It’s always easier to blame others, yes.

So, what are some other common destructive beliefs about oneself?

Well, I mentioned vulnerability. Many see themselves as vulnerable to harm or unsafe. I think of a woman in her 30s I work with who was abused by her father and endured other traumatic experiences, leading her to see herself as vulnerable and the world as unsafe. Recently, her husband reached for a jug of milk from the refrigerator, and in her peripheral vision, she saw his hand go up. Those beliefs caused her to perceive danger, and she still flinched. Everyday events become filtered through those beliefs, making her see danger even when none exists.

So, she’d need to work on distinguishing between situations. Maybe watch her husband raise his hand 100 times, realizing that sometimes people are simply getting a jug of milk or doing something harmless.

Yes, exposure techniques involve repeated, safe exposure to triggers while examining the thinking patterns in each situation. The goal is for them to understand that past triggers don’t dictate present outcomes.

If a person feels unlovable or like a failure, they don’t have to live with that belief unchallenged. They could see a cognitive therapist like yourself, Dr. Jeff Riggenbach, and work on these issues, building a “skills basket” to improve their lives.

Absolutely. That’s the beauty of cognitive therapy—it offers hope. People who believed their lives were hopeless or thought they’d always feel depressed, anxious, or irritable can learn they don’t have to live that way.

And that’s what I love so much about cognitive therapy. You mentioned that the job of a cognitive therapist is to “work our way out of a job”—we teach clients to challenge their negative thoughts and problems so they can live their lives more fully.

Exactly. Thank you for having me.

Thank you, Dr. Riggenbach.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Aaron is upset that Jane spends too much money on clothes. To avoid a huge conflict, he might express himself assertively without attacking Jane’s character. Instead of contemptuously saying, “You’re reckless with money, you make me furious”—which attacks Jane’s character and invites a counterattack, he could say, “I’m very upset. We both agreed on a fair budget, and we need that money for rent this month.” Assertively expressing anger requires consistency in body language and tone. With practice, you can communicate anger accurately without attacking your partner’s character.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, or buy the book at Amazon.com.