The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Kena, you're having problems coping with your boyfriend. Yes, he about two years ago, his mom died, okay, and then I started noticing that he just wasn't himself, and last year he was having these hallucinations, and I thought maybe he was because he was drinking alcohol. And I thought maybe with the alcohol, and that's when I was noticing things, and I always thought it was the alcohol, but he had a run-in with the police, and he said he thought someone was following him. He thought the police were, you know, involved.

So he sounds paranoid now.

Yeah. And he, um, he's, like, really obsessive. And I've been trying to get him help because I noticed the signs after he stopped drinking. I could really pinpoint something was wrong, yeah, opposed to me thinking it was alcohol, and it's hard to get any help. I've been trying for months to get help, and I can't because he doesn't have insurance, so I can't find anybody to help him. Or, you know, where do you live in Westland?

Okay? What? What state? Michigan, Michigan, one of the things I would do is there are a few things you can do if you live near a teaching university. You can call up the teaching university, and many times they have counseling centers that have sliding scales, meaning you may be paying $10 for a visit, or maybe even nothing. I don't know. You know, you can let them know your situation, and they make the assessment of, you know, how much is reasonable for you to pay. So you're looking for a psychologist who offers a sliding scale or a teaching center where they may, you know, where you may get some fairly good therapy from somebody with, you know, who's under supervision, and it may not cost that much. You can also look to see if there are, sometimes, there are grants around, you know, they're looking for somebody who has alcohol problems, or who had a history of alcohol problems, and they're running some studies at the university, so maybe he would be eligible for some study. And they, you know, they would give therapy. In conjunction with that, you can look for groups. There's group therapy, meaning it may not cost as much. You can call the Michigan Psychological Association. You know, you could Google that and get their number and ask and tell them exactly what you told me, and they may be able to tell you where you could get some help that's either very low cost or free. But let me just ask a few questions because it sounds like there are multiple problems. You've been with him for two years, maybe about three, about three years, and it sounds first, what it sounded like. It was complicated grief. It was like he just wasn't himself after his mother died.

But you know what it kind of, you know? And I was thinking, that's what it was. But as I look back, it was kind of signs before that, but I was okay associated with alcohol because I only saw it when he was drinking. That's the only time I saw it. Okay, and was it limited to alcohol, or was he using some street drugs too? Was he messing around?

A little bit of marijuana here and there? Okay, because that can do depending on what type of drugs he was using that can mess with his brain a bit. And when you say a run-in with the police, what happened?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance that is interesting.

And when you say a run-in with the police, what happened?

Well, one day, he was just really not himself, and he was thinking, we're driving he's thinking somebody's following us. Turn down here. Somebody saw us. I can't go home. They probably know where we live at and and he just kind of jumped out the car and I went home, like, we have to, you know, two kids, I went home and he and next thing I know, he was arrested. And what the police said was, they arrested him because they couldn't control him. And he kicked out the window of the police car. He thought someone was following. He thought the police were involved. Okay,

does he have a history of trauma? Where that where he is paranoid? I mean, sometimes when you've dealt with drugs, I know I've worked with some people who have actually dealt drugs in their youth, and then they came clean, and they still feel like people are chasing them at times. That's the only time I saw that, okay, one time I saw that, and I needed to get, you know, I needed to figure out what was going on with him so he's totally not, you know, using marijuana and not drinking right now. But okay, the episodes are happening now I can see clearly that it's not the alcohol. Yeah. And the other thing is, you said he's obsessive. Is he engaging in what type of obsessive-compulsive?

It's like anything he focuses on, he's obsessive with it like, I know it's gonna sound crazy, but he saw yellow pin in his eyes, and he's thinking he probably has liver damage. And he's like, constantly getting up looking in the mirror, constantly getting up looking in the mirror, like, he focuses on things. And like, here he hears a song on the radio and assume that he wrote the song. And

okay, so he's it sounds like he's definitely losing connection with reality, in which case you do want to get him the help ASAP, whether they're and again, you can see, in Michigan, if you're near some schools, are you near any teaching universities?

Um, not too far away. We're about a maybe about a 40-minute drive from from university. Okay?

I would ask there, I would ask the state association. The main thing I have is not him. Guess who I'm concerned about me? Yeah, you. What's it like for you? It's

hard. It's hard because I have to work and I can't leave the kids home with them, and you know, it's, yeah, difficult at this time. It's really difficult because I think knowing you know and being just afraid he's not violent or anything, if there are safety issues, you need to do this ASAP and mention that to anybody, any therapist that you're talking to. Yes, my concern is for you. I think if you can get yourself therapy, if through work or something, you can find some therapy for yourself. I think that's the best help of all. I mean, he needs help, yes, but you definitely need some support because it sounds like you're the rational one in this situation.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, aren't you going back to bed? No,

I'll just say so. For a bait,

I'm feeling a bit blue. Anything you'd like to talk about.

No, no, you

need your sleep. It's nothing important, just this feeling that my life's a gaping sinkhole, and I'm just marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine.

And that was from Fraser. That was Daphne. And how many of us, as we're getting up into our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, maybe 80s, start to feel like life is behind us, like we live the best years of our life and it's over. And that perspective is going to make you feel surprised, depressed, it's going to make you feel sad, it's not going to open your eyes. Do you have an option, or is it unrealistic to have an option? I know I've told this story before, but when my grandfather was on his deathbed at the age of 98, you know, my uncle and I went to visit him. And how do you talk to someone days before they're dying? He did die two days later, and we asked him, What would you like? What can we get for you? Would it be ice cream? Would it be some pretty music? What would you like? And he looked at us, and he goes, Well, I would love to see you two do a tango. And he could have We were stunned. He wanted me to dance the tango with my uncle in the hospital room while he's dying. To have that sense of life though, to have that idea that while you're alive, enjoy it, that's a very different perspective. As opposed to mourning your loss of youth, enjoy whatever you've got, make the best of it and make your life even more interesting. Why not? Not everything involves physical activity. Maybe you can still have some physical facility. Maybe you don't, but make it interesting. You can read. You can enter new worlds with books. You can meet new friends. You can take up a new hobby.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting, if your partner just doesn't talk or want to listen. Even after repeated attempts to communicate, it may be the manner and tone in which you ask or tell your partner something. You may have been too unassertive or hesitant in expressing yourself so your partner doesn't think you mean what you say. Make