The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Thomas, welcome to the show. Thank you.

You have a question about bipolar?

Yes, ma'am. I'm supposed to be taking my second parenting Capacity Assessment, and the first one, the psychologist who did it, went ahead and said I was bipolar. And I was wondering, can a parenting Capacity Assessment actually determine whether a person is bipolar or not?

Was this a clinical psychologist that determined that?

Yes, ma'am. She went ahead. I don’t want to give her name out.

You don’t need to do that, yeah.

She said I was bipolar, and I was taking a parenting Capacity Assessment, and...

Okay, my guess is you've already looked up what bipolar is, because it's a label. So you know that it’s this sense of, you know, I’m great, I’m on top of the world, and it’s a sense of inflated self-esteem. But it’s not genuine self-esteem; it’s kind of a put-your-thumbs-under-your-armpits sense of grandiosity, and you become more talkative. Of course, I sound like that right now, but more talkative and engaging in activities that perhaps are sexual activities or buying sprees or very foolish business investments. So it looks like it’s goal-directed action, but it’s very much off course—going to hurt you, but it feels good in the moment. Is that part of what’s been going on in your life?

Somewhat, somewhat.

Okay, so a little bit of that label fits. You’re saying...

Yes, ma'am, yeah.

If it’s fitting and if you've also had—when they say bipolar, there are two poles. You can guess. The other end, if you’re feeling on top of the world, the other end is feeling on the bottom, right? In the pits, feeling depressed. And you swing from one to another. There are variations on a theme, depending on how frequently you might go from feeling depressed to feeling on top of the world.

Have you ever been diagnosed before?

No, ma'am, I have not.

Okay. Your question is, if you had a psychologist or somebody who’s credentialed actually evaluate you—by your calling, you’re saying it’s a parenting Capacity Assessment, which looks like it takes in a lot of information?

Yes, ma'am.

They interviewed you?

Yes, ma'am.

You had some psychological testing?

Yes, ma'am.

And they interviewed your child or children?

Yes, ma'am.

And they observed you?

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, lots. Okay, so where do you take it from there? If your question is, is it possible that you meet the criteria for bipolar? You know, obviously, I don’t have that information in front of me, but if you’re saying it sounds accurate, then what would be the next step for you to take to enjoy your life more?

Yes, ma'am. What do you...

I don’t know, because, for me, I don’t know, because I'm kind of an odd duck in a lot of ways. Even when I'm in a good mood and things are going good and, you know, I'm, quote, on top of the world, I still have that feeling of despair.

Okay, so it’s—and that’s typical. When I've worked with some people who've had bipolar, they've told me that sometimes they’re high. They’re aware that they’re almost pushing themselves into a high and exaggerating it because they don’t want to go low. There’s almost a sense of wanting to keep that sense of “I don’t want to face the fact that I genuinely feel the world is the pits.” What is going on in your life? There are different...let me make this a little simpler. There are key areas in any of our lives that are important to take a look at, and our view on what's possible really matters. And one area is your career. How are things going there?

Not good at all. I’m not gonna lie, the past five months have been pretty rough. I lost my mom back in January, so...and then I found out from the—because I'm a veteran—I found out from the VA that I...they have told me that I suffer from PTSD...

Oh, PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Yeah, from some things that have happened in the military, and it’s finally starting to actually manifest itself.

Okay. Okay, so are you isolating more, pulling back more, numbing yourself?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is! The Selfish Path to Romance—a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance...that is interesting.

Okay, so are you isolating more, pulling back more, numbing yourself?

Actually, this past couple of weeks have been pretty good, but up until the beginning of April, I had been out of the house a grand total of about 47 times.

Okay. Oh, 47 times. Since when?

Since January 2.

Okay, and then you're keeping track of how many times you’ve been out?

No, it's a rough guess.

Oh, okay. Okay. Could be more?

Yeah, but it's in the ballpark.

Okay, let me...let me tell you what I'm hearing, and it may not be what you're expecting. You said recently you've been feeling pretty good regarding the PTSD, the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear the word “good,” what I would get...the tip I would give you is to ask yourself the question, “What is making it a little...what is making me assess this as good? What is a little bit better than in the past? What am I doing differently that’s helping myself out?” Whenever your mind detects something that’s going a smidgen better in your life—I don’t mean the fake better from the bipolar—but a little better, ask yourself what it is; put it into words, because then you have more control over it. If I know that what helps my day go a little better is that that particular morning I made a list of the top two things I wanted to accomplish and I got them done, then the next day, it would be good for me to write down the top two things that I want to accomplish for that day, because it’s a good method for me. So something...what do you think is going...what is going well in your life, Thomas?

Actually, I haven’t really thought about it, you know.

Okay, then that’s where you want to start. What you want to do is think of what am I doing well...rational, not the irrational junk...that is helping me track the good. Because most of us track the bad in ourselves, and that doesn’t get us where we need to go. Let me just give you...I know we’re wrapping up here, but let me give you the other categories to look at in your life. One is career. One is friendships, support systems—sometimes it’s called—but friends or family only if they fit the description of people that are supportive of you, and you want to make sure that you've got at least one good friend in your life. Another is romantic relationships. Sometimes we’re not in the stage in life where we have one, but that adds a dimension to your life. And if that’s rocky, that can make things pretty bad. So friends, career, family, and romance. And even hobbies—having something that is healthy as a hobby. So you can look at those areas in your life. And listen, I enjoyed talking with you, and I wish you the best, and I hope you can focus a little bit on the good stuff in your life.

Thank you.

Thank you, Thomas.

Have you ever had that experience where you set a goal for yourself, like losing weight, and you feel like you're making zero progress, and at a certain point, you throw up your hands and say, “What the heck? I'll eat anything I want”? When we return, I’ll be talking with a thinking expert and seminar presenter, Jean Moroney, about the two most common thinking roadblocks that keep you from making progress at any task. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

How long does it take to thoroughly get to know a person? That depends on the person. Sometimes you gain enough key information to make a reasonably informed negative judgment within minutes—for example, if the person has obvious traits that you despise. But for a person you choose to continue seeing, it can take many months of interaction to learn everything you need to know. A useful, though not foolproof guideline is to know the person for at least a year before getting married. Some can be sure in less than a year; others need several years to know a person really well. There may be red flags you want to investigate. For example, he seems to drink a lot when you go out, but claims he's never had an alcohol problem. Check on this from other sources—family, friends, and coworkers.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.