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Anger
Why do I feel so angry at my invalid mom?Listen
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Listen to personal dramas four times each week. With new questions answered every podcast, and an occasional short interview, this is The Rational Basis of Happiness® radio show hosted by Dr. Ellen Kenner, a private practice clinical psychologist. She will take your calls and questions on any personal issue! Call anytime, toll free 877-Dr-Kenner or visit www.drkenner.com

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Meet Dr. Kenner

As she discusses Happiness on Ivanhoe’s “Smart Women” TV Series
Anger
Why do I feel so angry at my invalid mom?
(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)


Dr. Kenner: Marie, you’re having difficulty? Why don’t you tell me your situation and then let me know what your question is.

Marie: First, can I thank you so much for taking my call.

Dr. Kenner: You’re very welcome.

Marie: Secondly, my mother has dementia. She is 80-years-old and she was kind of overbearing as a parent and I was one of those kids that did whatever your parents asked you to do, and now I’m having anger issues as she’s getting older and more confused. I try to get her to come out of the house so she’s not in the house all the day and she doesn’t want to. I’m able to get her to exercise some days. I feel like I’m just falling short and the confusion in asking the same questions several times – I do expect that, but there are times where it seems like I’m a short fuse. I don’t have children and I’m not married. But it just seems like it’s taking my whole life. Not too long ago, I was trying to take care of my mom and work and I ended up losing my job from just taking care of my mother.

Dr. Kenner: Because of taking care of your mom? You lost your job because of taking care of your mom?

Marie: I’m sure it was half and half, but also I made an error on my job. I just feel kind of trapped but I want to do the best for my mom because you only get one. I don’t know how to deal with the anger. I don’t want to be angry and snap at her and that kind of thing. I want to be a good daughter and do what is right and I feel like I’m at my wit’s end.

Dr. Kenner: It sounds to me like you’re feeling that your whole identity is at risk here. You’ve always had this image of yourself as the good daughter, the conforming daughter, the daughter that did the right thing. Now your mother is at – we call them – end of life issues. She’s losing her mind, dementia, and it’s very sad to see and you’re stepping in to be the good daughter again. Your identity is wrapped around that and so it’s cost you your job?

Marie: Basically.

Dr. Kenner: It’s cost you –

Marie: Friendships. Relationships.

Dr. Kenner: Really? Tell me just a nutshell version. What about relationships, what about friendships?

Marie: When I was younger, if there was somebody my mother didn’t like, she kind of self-sabotaged. For example, if his name was Jack, when he called, she would say, “Hey, David, how are you?” That didn’t make it good for me. And then she had to meet every date I had – not that it was a problem, but it just kind of put a lot of pressure on me.

Dr. Kenner: Why are you not married now?

Marie: I just haven’t met anyone. No one has ever asked me, and secondly I’ve never met anyone I think I really connected with. My parents divorced and it was a very bad divorce. They were fighting, physically, so it kind of made me wonder about the whole marriage thing in the first place.

Dr. Kenner: So you’re skeptical anyway about the marriage thing?

Marie: I’m not sure if people can be faithful and what makes two people who seem normal erupt to that degree?

Dr. Kenner: My husband and I, I wish you knew our example instead. We’ve been married for I don’t even know how long. Wonderful marriage. Very different scenario. So, let me get back here. It seems like you say you have so little time left with your mother, you want to be the good daughter. What goes through my mind, Marie, is you have so little time left with yourself at this age level. How old are you now?

Marie: 48.

Dr. Kenner: You’re 48. So you’re, let’s just say, in the 50s. You’re getting to mid-life or are at mid-life, and this is your only mid-life period. Your only mid-life period. Not your mother’s. This is your time, your life. It’s hard to do this when you’ve framed your identity around being the good kid. You want to be the good kid to yourself. That means taking care of yourself and listening to your anger. Your anger is the little girl inside of you or the teenage girl or the young adult who said to her, “Mom. It’s David. It’s not Jack. I don’t ever want you to do that again. This is my life.”

Marie: Okay.

Dr. Kenner: Now, maybe you didn’t want conflict back then.

Marie: I did not want conflict.

Dr. Kenner: Because there was so much conflict, but then that made it so that it’s harder for you to be assertive. It’s harder for you to find, not a middle ground, a very different track. But people tend to either be aggressive in your face, like the fighting you heard from mom and dad, or they tend to be, “Listen, I don’t want to make waves. I don’t want to be a troublemaker. I just want peace. I’m going to zip my mouth. I’m not going to say anything.”

Marie: That’s what I would do.

Dr. Kenner: And I’m going to hold it in. Well, I have a picture that I show kids and parents. It’s from a book, Dinosaurs Divorce, but it’s a little dinosaur’s head that is about to explode. Because you keep everything in and the steam starts to want to just come out and burst. That’s what happens to many of us when we hold in that resentment and anger for decades. So you don’t want it to come out in an angry way because that’s what you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you want to be able to hold your own ground. You want to be able to, say, ask a different question. Instead of, “How can I be the best daughter for my mother? How can I be the best support for myself? What is it that I need now? Do I need to set boundaries with my mother? Can I take shortcuts?” If she doesn’t want to go outside, then don’t go outside. Maybe instead I can call a friend or do something else. You can’t force her mind and if you put it on you to force your mother’s mind, you’re going to burn out even faster. You’re in a difficult role, a caretaker role. Any siblings or anybody else who can help out?

Marie: One sister, but she has a job that is very demanding so she’s not available.

Dr. Kenner: You may want to have a family meeting and be realistic. Don’t overpromise your mother. Don’t overpromise your sister. Set limits. And make it fair. Anger is the emotion we feel when our mind assesses things to be not fair. That’s not good for you. So, I’m hoping that you value yourself more and learn something called assertiveness skills. It means you don’t yell at anybody else. You express what you’re feeling. I’m going to recommend a book – I don’t think I have it on my website yet – but Difficult Conversations. Because it talks about the identity issue. You want to, like my identity is not wrapped around mom and dad. It’s wrapped around me and those closest to me. It doesn’t mean that I’m not with my parents, but I’m with them lovingly and realistically. You’re in a different position because you’re in a caretaker role, but the first person you want to take care of is yourself. Listen, thank you so much for the call and I wish you some happiness for yourself and looking for a job too so that you can have a life.

Marie: Thank you so much.

Dr. Kenner: You’re welcome Marie.