The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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1-Love is what? 2-Stress 3-Unearned Guilt

1-Is love sacrifice or selfish? 2-13 year old cries nightly 3-Dad insists I be a doctor

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com

Imagine sitting down and opening up a Valentine from your partner that said, “Dear partner, I never liked your looks, but I felt sorry for you, and I don't care for your personality. It grates on me, but I knew you were desperate to get married. I feel bored when I have to listen to you. I don't enjoy any intimate moments with you, but I sacrifice. I don't care for the friends you keep. I don't like the way you spend your days. I have no interest in your career or in your hobbies. You're not my type. There's really nothing about you that lights my fire. There's no charm, no twinkle in my eyes when I'm with you or think about you. There is nothing that I admire in you. I married you only because you were pathetic. I felt sorry for you. I married you out of pity. You're a charity case.” — From Sean.

How would you feel if you got that Valentine?

I was driving down the road, and I saw a billboard that said, “Service over self.” So, this person is practicing “service over self.” He doesn't value this person he married, and so it's a service, it's a duty, it's an unchosen obligation. It's something he has to do that hurts him. This is not someone he loves. This is not a value, and it's not nice to the person either, because his wife (or her wife, if it were written to a wife or husband receiving this) knows they’re not important. They can see it in the emotion. So, obviously, this view of love—love as sacrifice—is dead wrong.

Listen to the opposite.

And when I wrote this, I thought of my husband:

“Dear partner, when I think of you, I have a warm smile. I feel great inside. I love the way you laugh. I love your spontaneity. I love your good humor. I love the way you treat me. I feel important and I feel cared for. I love the way we can talk openly and honestly about our dreams, and we can talk about our differences too and work things out without tearing one another down. I love that we both enjoy dancing and traveling, and I love that you never unjustly jump to negative conclusions about me. I love the way you dress; I find it alluring. I love that I feel free to grow in our relationship, and that you encourage me to do so. I don't feel imprisoned in our relationship. I feel you've helped me see strength that I never knew I had. I love that we laugh a lot together. I love that you offer a welcoming shoulder and welcoming arms when going through harder times. I love our moments of tenderness and of intimacy together. I love you.”

I could write that to my husband, Harris, which I actually did.

Now, what’s that? That’s not selfless love. He’s a tremendous value to me. It’s not love out of pity, but first, I have to value myself. First, if I don’t like myself, then I will feel like an object of pity to anyone who says they love me—“What do they see in me if I don’t see anything in myself?” Once I value myself, I can love my husband. It’s wonderful to have a great relationship.

So, love is an emotion that depends on my ability to discriminate between guys I don't like (dishonest guys or guys that I don't share any values with) and my husband, the person I do love. So, I’m evaluating his character, his goodness, his playfulness, his honesty, and he is essential to my happiness. That is the most selfish feeling. It’s a wonderfully, rationally selfish feeling. So I want to be with him more than anyone else in the world. I feel at home with him, and that’s what you want to find in your own life.

So, when you think about romance, think about your own relationship. Have you just settled, or not? Have you just given up on romance? Do you just feel like it's impossible—it can't happen? Well, I've been married for years. Did it take work? Yeah, I read a lot of books on romance, couples skills. There are some books on my websites that I recommend. We made some mistakes along the way, and we had to learn together. But it’s been, it’s been wonderful being with him.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

This is from a 13-year-old girl.

Hello Dr. Kenner, I’m 13 years old, and I live in Alabama. I need professional help with my problem. I have been in the worst state of mind. I've been crying alone in my room every night. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. Dad moved to Nebraska, and I'm down here with my mother in Alabama. I love my mom so much, whatever she does, she does whatever she can for me, but I'm upset with myself, because I feel like whatever she does, it's just not enough. I know the way I'm feeling is not caused by stress. I mean, what kind of stress could a 13-year-old girl have? Please tell me what to do to be happy again? —Adrienne.

Adrienne, you can have stress at any age. Think of what’s going on in your life—a lot. You have a major loss: your dad, and your mom and dad's relationship with one another. Maybe you moved from Nebraska to Alabama to live with, I don’t know, a grandmother or somebody with mom, and you've gone through so many losses. Well, that explains the tears. If there are important losses, you will feel tears. If you've got a lot of uncertainty, a lot of unanswered questions on your mind, such as, “Why did mom and dad divorce? Will I ever see my new friends again? Will I make friends in the new school? Will they ever get back together again? Am I responsible for their divorce?”—then you will feel stress. You’ll definitely feel stress, and it’s a painful state to be in.

So how do you find your own happiness? You want to take whatever you truly love—if you go to dance classes, if you have good laughs with mom watching a fun movie—do more of what you love and speak up. Let dad know how you feel, let mom know how you feel. Maybe you guys can even get some therapy together, but you want to be your own best friend, and you want to be able to learn how to sort out your feelings at a very young age. Because when I say young, age 13 is still young, even though you may not feel that way. You want to figure out what's unfair in your life. Is there some anger behind this? “It's not fair that all this has happened to me and it's not happening to my friends.” Is there some of that going on?

I highly recommend going to my website and looking at the books. Maybe Mind Over Mood would help you. There’s also a little, a little book, it’s a short book titled Don’t Look Back by Lee Wardlaw.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

"I wasn’t assuming you finished medical school and you're on your own. Then you can do as you damn well please. But until then, you do as I tell you—is that clear, sir?” “I'm sorry.” “You know how much this means to your mother, don't you?” “Yes, sir.”

Now that’s from Dead Poets Society. How do you feel as that kid? You want to go into acting, and Dad wants you to go to medical school, and then you can do whatever you want. Well, how long is medical school, Dad? You know, you’re in medical school for seven to 10 years, and you’ve got internship and residency, and by the time you've devoted all of those years of your youth, of your developmental years, of the years when you’re just blossoming, what are the chances that you are going to turn and become an actor, which you really wanted to do? And that's not what Dad has in mind—as much as he says you can do what you want once you’re out of medical school. He’s lying, and that’s not fair. So this kid is just doused with honor and guilt from both mom and dad, and that's a really important concept.

That's a concept that I learned from Ayn Rand—unearned guilt. It's guilt you never earned, never had to worry about, but you carry it around because you never resolved: Do I owe my life to Mom and Dad? Do I owe my career to Mom and Dad, or is it my life? Am I hurting Mom and Dad because they diapered me, burped me, and took care of me by carving my own path, or is it my right to carve my own path in life? Of course, provided you're not stealing from them; it's a nice, rational path. But it is your life, and I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner here to tell you that it’s your life. Make the most of it.