The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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1-Infertility 2-''I can't help myself''

1-My boyfriend wants kids that I can't have. 2-Invented mental diseases

Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com.

Hi, I'm in a relationship with a guy we both love each other very much. The first time a conflict has come up, it's been now, and he has revealed a desire to have children. I had to have a hysterectomy five years ago, and I can't have children. He still loves me. He still treats me the same as he ever has since we talked about this. But I've got a lot of anxiety and worry that this will be in the relationship at some point, and I just want to know if there's any hope, if there's anything we can talk about to resolve this in any way. I don't want to end it. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and he has said the same about me. Please help me to help this anxiety I've got, and let me know if there's anything I can do. Thanks.

Okay, let me talk about your anxiety first. The anxiety that you're having is there because this is a top value. He's someone that you cherish. And it's very rare to find a partner that feels like a soul mate, feels like another self, like you can wake up in the morning and enjoy life with this person. You come at the world the same way. It's not chronic frustration and anger, and I can't believe she did that again, or he did that again. This is like you're living in a lovely garden with him. It's just very nice for you. So why would either of you want to walk away from this? Well, he's bringing something new to the table. And one question I have is, why did he not bring this up earlier? Or how did you not know? You know, how did the child question not come up? Or is it just coming up now, you know? Why is that the case? So if he suddenly decided, as my husband and I did, we didn't want kids for five years, we chose to have a sailboat instead. That was our decision the first five years of marriage. Then one day I said, you know, I would really like to have kids. And fortunately, my husband said, I do too, and because we had just been with friends of ours who had a lovely, very playful daughter, and they were wonderful parents that made us want children, and start looking at that. In your case, because you've had a hysterectomy, you cannot bear a child, but that doesn't mean you can't have children. So you did not tell me in the phone conversation that you could have children and not could, but that you want children because you can adopt children? No, it's not easy, but that it's possible. There are many loving families that decide they want a kid and can't have one, and they adopt. You could see if, with modern technology, I guess you can't bear a child, but I know, and I guess I'm not going to go on the fringe things where somebody else carries the sperm or something, and has the kid. That gets very complicated. But if, if you don't want kids, if that's the main issue, if you don't want kids and he wants kids, then you've got to be able to talk about this openly. If adoption is not an option, because it's not, it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want kids, then he's got to make a decision. It's really in his lap. Can he live with an unmet longing, the longing for kids? Can he do what an uncle of mine did, which is to become very involved with a Boys and Girls Club? He doesn't have children of his own, but he becomes involved with children. He becomes involved, involved with helping students at the university level too. So there are other ways to get some of those longings met. He can become a great uncle to a child that's in the family. So you need to sit down at the table and decide, and he needs to do this, how high a value is this for him. If this is a non-negotiable value in his life, if he's decided that he wants kids and a wife is secondary, then that will mean the end of the relationship, very, very sad. You'll still love each other. You'll still always love what you love in each other, but you're not matched. If he decides that,

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

If he decides that, oh, he'll put up with it. He'll stay with you, even though you never, quote, unquote, gave him a child, I would not stay with him then, because he's going to feel resentful every time he sees a kid in a playground, every time he watches cartoons, every time Christmas comes, he will feel resentful towards you, and that's unfair to you. If he says, I love you so much that even though I have this unmet longing, I'm going to grieve the loss and accept you for who you are and accept our love. I would never want to give you up. And if not having a kid is part of that, then that's fine. You may have wanted a husband that was six foot tall and very well built, but maybe your husband is short, and I don't want to say fat, because that's something he can do something about, but short and balding, but you love him, well, that's an unmet longing. We all have unmet longings in our relationship, and the best way to deal with them is to recognize that you can't have all your values in a relationship, but you want to make sure that the most important ones are met, so I hope that helps you out.

Every time he watches cartoons.

Well, yeah, you think of kids when you watch a cartoon, you think, Oh, I wish I had if he

sits around and watches cartoons all day, maybe there's a problem. Not having kids, isn't his problem? No, well, that would be true.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,

If you want to see me, you will not do this. You'll make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as having obsessive-compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in? I can help you if you take responsibility to keep radio change the room. Around two years ago, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?

Yes.

I changed just one pattern. As you always said I should,

and that's from As Good as It Gets with Jack Nicholson. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show's The Rational Basis of Happiness. Now, what happens when he comes into the office and he goes, "Listen, I'm a patient. I can't help myself." Now, that belief alone—"I can't help myself"—has got to go. That's a cancer in him. If you keep saying to yourself, "I've got a disorder, I can't help myself," "I'm an alcoholic, I can't help myself," "It's in my genes," or "It's biochemical," or "They have brain imaging now," or "I'm bipolar, I can't help myself," that is BS. And I apologize for the medical community and the psychological community that keeps telling you that it's a medical disorder, "honey, just like diabetes." Pat me. I'll pat you on the back, and you can't help but feel good about yourself and just realize you need to live with it. There is so much you can do if you hold the wrong ideas. You will have the emotional consequences if you have the wrong ideas about yourself. If you feel like you always have to be subservient to others, and you'll always feel anxious and depressed because you're not living your life—you haven't discovered it. If you feel angry that the world owes you a living—if that's the ideas that you've been taught from childhood, that things come too easily to you, and you get angry when things don't come your way and you don't learn psychological independence and how to be productive—then that's your responsibility. You have to change your fundamental ideas, not just pop a pill. So I have very strong views on that, and my I agree with the cognitive therapists who say pills don't teach skills. So if you are hearing yourself say to yourself, "But I can't change myself," it may be true that you don't know how. It may be true that you need more information, but give yourself that advantage, get the information.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke.

Creating a comfortable emotional climate in your relationship should never be left to chance. But how do you create it? One way is to build a positive mood. Moods are enduring emotional states. A positive mood is essential for a romantic relationship to survive. Successful romantic relationships are dominated by positive communications. Creating a positive mood by having a feeling of goodwill toward your partner permeates your time together. If resentments and issues lurk behind everything, establishing a caring climate will be impossible. You will need to introspect and seek professional help, if necessary, to resolve your issues.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.