The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Cindy, you're dealing with anxiety.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

I've had panic attacks since I was eight years old, and I think I've pretty much trained myself to be very anxious. I'd like to know if there's any way I can calm down once I'm in anxiety.

Oh my gosh, am I glad you called, because there are so many relatively easy skills that you can learn. They're not easy in the learning process. It's like learning to ride a bike—it's easy once you've learned it. Yes, these are thinking skills. What I like that you're doing is you've already started to own responsibility, saying, "I trained myself to be anxious." If you were my client—this isn't therapy—but if you were, I'd say kudos to you for even having that perspective. Because if you can train yourself one way, what does that tell you about yourself?

I can train myself the other way.

You bet! And you're open to learning skills. The fact that you called into a talk show means you're eager to learn new skills, you're motivated. Now, when you say that, I want to give you skills. I want to tell you about cognitive therapy. Cognitive is a fancy name for thinking therapy. I first want to find out what happened, if you feel comfortable telling me, in a nutshell, what happened at the age of eight that triggered your initial anxiety, if you remember it.

It was actually earlier than that—I was sexually abused, and it continued into my teenage years. So, I know that's part of it. But it was around that age that it really hit me. I was shy, and I think the weight of it all just came down on me.

You had a panic attack, yes. So let me tell you what being sexually abused does to anyone—male or female. It destroys or has the potential to destroy your view of people, because people often don’t know how to preserve themselves during such an intense violation of their life. How do you view people if you've been sexually abused? Do you just go along with it? Yes. Your view of people is what—that they're wonderful, that everyone is a potential adventure? Or what? Every—yes, you're laughing. What does it do to your view of people?

I'm very standoffish a lot of times, and I don't want to be. I want friends in my life, but I feel secretive, like if they knew the real me, they'd shun me.

Okay, so like "damaged goods," right? Do you have paper in front of you?

Yes, I do.

Okay, the first thing I said was your view of people. It damages that. How profound is that?

I mean, very profound.

Like, if my view of alligators matters, it's not a big deal because I live in Rhode Island, not Florida. But if it's my view of people, whom I interact with constantly, and I feel inadequate or like I have some hidden, dirty secret, that leads to a coping strategy of being standoffish—avoiding deep connections and missing out on friendships that enrich life. Yeah? Okay, the next thing is, it also attacks your view of the world.

I need to interrupt this, because we have to pay some bills. Thirty seconds—a quick ad, and then we'll be back.

Romance. I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Now, that type of trauma attacks your view of the world. It also attacks something else—your view of yourself. Do you see yourself as a vibrant person who’s good to the core, honest, worthy, and capable of pursuing your goals?

I have two views of myself. I see myself as a good person, but also as extremely needy. I struggle to ask people for what I want or need, even with my husband and kids. I feel like I'm going to be a burden.

So, it's not that you're clingy. If anything, you're so self-reliant that you're not good to yourself. People can't do for you.

I feel very needy, and people will sometimes tell me, "Why didn't you say something?" I feel like I'm screaming it out, but I'm keeping it close to my chest.

You want that healthier view of yourself to win out—the one where you're more comfortable with your kids and able to let down your guard. I'm hearing that your anxiety is trauma-related. When you feel panic, I’ll give you skills to deal with it, but I’d recommend a cognitive therapist. On my website, DrKenner.com, there are books like Mind Over Mood. You can also visit the Academy of CT for cognitive therapy resources. Anxiety is manageable if you have the right tools. Skills like replacing "What if they don’t like me?" or "What if they hurt me?" with thoughts like "What if they actually want me to reach out?" can make a difference. That stronger view of yourself can become a stronger muscle. Instead of catastrophic what-ifs, try the "what if nots." I wish we had more time, but yes, there are many strategies to calm down when you're anxious. With your understanding of how trauma affects you, you can work to change your core ideas about yourself and the world. Thank you so much for calling.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I really wish you'd tell me about it.

Well, if you must know—it's my love life.

Really, you've been seeing a man?

Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.

And that's from Frasier. When you have that longing for a partner but are just sitting home all day, you need to go back to the drawing board. The idea of just sitting and hoping isn’t a strategy. If you want a romantic partner, you need an action plan. It may sound technical, but you need to think about how you’ll meet a potential partner. Imagine success and achieving your goal. This gives hope instead of imagining you’ll never find a partner, which leads to depression.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Man's Guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

It's important to identify the emotions you're feeling, like sadness or loneliness, and then identify their specific causes. If a strong emotion is based on mistaken ideas, you can work to change it by consciously correcting wrong ideas each time you feel that emotion. Over time, the emotion will change. Since emotions are automatic, this process can take time and may require counseling. Changing old thinking habits takes motivation, learning new skills, effort, and practice.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.com.