The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Raja, you're feeling some anxiety?

Yes. Hi.

Tell me what's going on in your life?

Well, as I told your call screener, they're just, I don't really know, the exact words to use to describe the situation. Just real, I guess social anxiety just like the guy from the short ad, they're just basically impossible, an impossible situation to meet people. Like I said, I'm gay. Basically, kind of a repeat every single time I try and meet somebody, I need somebody through my group of friends, or through my work. You know, I like them. But there's, there's just no way to you know, take that any further, I have two options, I can either lose a friend or say nothing. So I just prefer to say nothing.

Okay, so your coping strategy is avoidance. Right?

Basically, right.

And when you do reach out, it's awkward for you. It's not like you feel like it's a second nature for you.

That's correct.

So that is what you would like to meet more people at work, or three, as you said, through friends and be able to, obviously overcome the social anxiety and to make some friends.

That that would be part of it.

Okay. And the other is what?

To have a relationship. I mean,

Oh, see, you're looking for a romantic relationship, another gay relationship, and that you feel very awkward. Basically, coming out of the closet and talking with people or figuring out how to go about finding a partner.

Right, that is just an impossibility, as far as I see it.

Okay, if you're telling yourself it's an impossibility, that's based on your attempts, correct?

Correct, because it's failed.

But you have you do know anything. I'm glad you're laughing because what that does is that releases that idea from you. It won't have a stranglehold on you. And do you know, anybody it i Sir, I certainly do. I know people who have been in very satisfying long term, gay or lesbian relationships. Do you know any such people?

No, no.

Okay, so I'm luckier than you are. So I so I know that long term healthy. I'm assuming you're wanting a serious relationship. Just not just a one night stand.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. If you want that, it really helps to know that people can have healthy, same sex relationships, partnerships for a lifetime. And you want to also know not that it's possible to Tom, Dick and Harry or Susan and Jane, it's also possible for you, unless there's something I need to know about you. It sounds like this. It's possible for you. Go ahead.

I think part of it is I'm not willing to give up my . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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Unless there's something I need to know about you. It sounds like this. It's possible for you. Go ahead.

I think part of it is I'm not willing to give up my outward appearance of normality to friends and coworkers for for that goal.

Okay, so, so really, you're at odds with the culture and you're I know what that feeling is like to hold ideas that are different from everybody else. For example, if I went to a foreign country, you know, I did once go to trying to think to the Far East, this is decade maybe a decade ago. And I like wearing miniskirts when it's like 90 degrees out and they don't like to see nice and so they were trying to you know, it was it was a clash of cultures. And if you come out as a gay person at work, what consequences might there be for you?

Basically, it runs the gamut, you know, anything you can think of. I certainly don't know of one person that I would still speak to me. It's in a, I tell you what field it was

No, don't tell me for the privacy for your own privacy. But let's say you worked at a church and you came out as gay, you can see where that would be a huge clash of values. And then it is a very difficult decision. And that is a hard thinking problem. Do you want to tell anybody your position? Or will they use it against you in a very unjust manner, dismiss you because of your sexual preferences? Or maybe they're afraid of it within themselves, and they run away from you? Whatever reason, if people start treating you strangely, that's really hard. Now, there are some people that just come out in the open and do that look at Ellen DeGeneres.

Right. And her, her situation is a little different. She has a television show billions of dollars and, you know, has has multiple companies she owns. I don't think she would like for friends. So I hope that she hasn't,

right? And what about it, and so you're in a bind, that you can't reach out to the gay community or to people that would be potential partners, because you run the risk at any moment of being exposed.

That would be great.

So you're you that's a huge decision. And it's would be awful for you to deprive yourself of a romantic life. So what I would recommend is, this is you don't have a lot of options with your job. This is your career, this is your chosen field, this is where you want to work, or is it a temporary job.

Now this is a, this is most likely a career.

Okay? So if you're in a career, what you want to do is try to keep the two worlds either come out just openly and don't apologize. Just you don't have to come out and tell everybody, but if they find out, it's no big deal. You just don't broadcast it. You don't. You might not. If you don't want to bring the two worlds together, you you know, I know people who don't bring their partners to some events, as sad as that is, but they that they value their they don't want to fight the battle in their life, you know that. But you can still have a private life, it is going to be harder to meet people because what if your partner wants to come out in the open?

That's yeah, that's, that's another issue.

What if they want you to be an activist? You know, so you, you still can do this shopping? In that I don't mean that in a crude way. Because I think of it you know, I wrote a book on romance with Dr. Ed Locke, I'm not sure if you're aware of that.

I did not know that.

Oh, you can go to the website, it's got an intriguing name. It's called the selfish path to romance, how to love with passion and reason. And it's by myself, Ellen Kenner and Ed Locke and you can go to the website Doctor kenner.com. What I recommend for you is writing down all of the benefits of of both of your values the dating and the the conflict that you're having. I don't see it as social anxiety. I see it as a cultural difficulty that you're having a realistic one. And then you need to weigh those values and figure out a strategy that works for you. So you can possibly have both values. Listen, I thank you so much for your call. And if you hold on I'll talk with you during the break.

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And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

I can't stand people. Do you hate them? No, but I seem to feel better when they're not around. You scotch and water. What do you do? I drink.
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And do you think that person hates people? Or do you think that person is running their whole life from home from themselves? And it's very possible that there could have been abusive people in that person's life. That's a drop from Minnesota Barfly, Barfly. It Could there have been abusive people in that person's life? Of course there could have been Could there have been difficulties within that person which is what I was suggesting earlier? Yes, there could have been many times when people turn to alcohol to drown out They feel feelings to really deaden their emotions because they don't want to feel the negative emotions. They don't want to feel any negative. They use it more. They're running away from themselves. They use it more as a, I don't like this term but a social lubricant that they're running away from themselves and ever will you all know the outcome. It's not a solution. If you want good solutions. You want to look at your ideas about people. You want to look at them. Are you are you feeling like you would be happier with your pets and not with people? Because you're just afraid of people or because you've been hurt by them or because you hate them on some level. You don't want to go through life like that.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for a major injustice. Consider how good is your current relationship? Are you both still committed to it? For example, in the case of adultery is the adultery a long term pattern or a one time event? Is your partner willing to do what's necessary to rebuild trust over time? are the factors that caused your partner to commit adultery changeable, how deeply hurt are you emotionally? Finally, if you conclude that you can not forgive, realize that you will not be able to have a warm and loving relationship? Such a realization is often a prelude to separation or divorce. You can

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com