The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.

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Tracy, you're looking to save a relationship.

Well I was in a relationship for five years and just moved out with my one year old son, and I'm trying to salvage something, and I can't get anywhere with anything.

Okay, when you say salvage something, do you mean you're trying to salvage the relationship? Or you're trying to live as a single mom?

Well, I guess I'm trying to solve this relationship in some aspect, or at least have closure with, with so many questions that I have.

You were married for five years, you said and the baby is from this partner?

Yes.

And you were married? Not just dating?

No, we weren't we were not married, either. For five years, you were together for five years and have a one year old
child. Okay, got that. And you see, you're saying at this point? How did the relationship break off?

Pretty much. It was just constant arguing and bickering. Just this loyalty from him and just too many secrets. And eventually, it just he came to me and said, Well, I'm just not happy. I kind of have an inkling they seem somebody else. He never tells me anything. He will not tell me. And now that I'm out on my own, and I have this child, I'm like, okay, trying to look at things at a different perspective and trying to maybe get back something that we lost, or, you know, whether it was got to dinner, let's hang out, or let's, you know, try again, and I can't get anywhere.

Your time is so valuable. This is your life, you and you need to be thinking of a path moving forward, does it if you're if you're thinking of a path moving forward that involves this man, what do you know about his character already? That you know you have a daughter, right? Or a son, a son? Or you have a son? If your son would marry someone? Would you want him to marry a woman who had the character of your boyfriend?

No.

Isn't that interesting? Why not?

Now, I mean, in some ways, yes. But now . . .

Okay, people are mixed. Most people are mixed. But when you get bad in the mix, get and the biggest bad is the dishonesty, the lying and lack of communication? Yes, and no communication. Those are the big ones, the minute you have that, then you don't have a partnership. I mean, you may be roommates, the past in the night, you may have some shared interest, you may have a baby together. But you're not romantic partners. And if you're still holding on to that dream of what you thought he could be what you thought your relationship would be, because you stayed with him for five years, you must have thought there was something darn good about him. Right? And were you hoping he would change?

Yeah, I guess I was hoping that, I guess he would love me more or treat me differently, or care more about the relationship or something.

When have you felt that in your life before? When before that you wish somebody cared about you more or paid more attention to you or loved you more?

I guess maybe when my parents divorced.

Tell me about that.

That was when I was just a child and they had a horrible divorce. And it was always constant bickering back and forth. And we were always in the middle. And you know, always trying to make things right. And always wishing that there was more love there and communication and trust, and there just wasn't.

Okay, you're at high risk for looking for another partner, if you leave this guy, where you will find the same dynamics with the hopes of what what are you trying to do? What did you try to do with your own family?

I really wasn't I really didn't have any set expectations except just wanting to be happy and just be a family.

That's a huge expectation.

No, I mean, that is like, you wanted to fix things you wanted the fighting to stop. Right?

Yeah.

And again, to stop the stain off of five in the morning to stop the, the flaming. And so many times we end up marrying someone where we carry the same problem, we have the same problem in our relationship that we had in our family of origin. And you're if you're trying to fix this guy, lure him back in so you can fix it and get that wonderful family that you never had growing up. And I wish you had. Yeah, but you never had that. And what are the chances if you were a betting person? Would you bet a million dollars that this guy that you've been with for five years and loved you and cheated on you and had secrets was disloyal? And was constantly arguing like your family of origin? And you are not happy with him? Which is the only little goal that you want, which obviously is the biggest goal, right? What are the chances that you think that? Would you bet a million dollars on it? Would you want me to bet my money that he would change?

No. It's going ahead.

I don't think you would, and you can't make somebody else's psychological problem, your lifelong problem to solve. Right like if you would come to me when you were younger and, and having the problems with your family. I would say to you, the bickering as much as I wish and you wished even more than I do, that your parents would be saying that they that they would be reasonable and that they would have a rational divorce. Right? They're not going to do it. So please carve a life for your for yourself with good friends or good activities that you enjoy outside of your family so that your mind isn't wrapped around their bickering and hoping for the for what will probably never happened that they will sing Kumbaya together, right? So what are you hearing as we're talking?

I kind of just need to move on.

I would love you to move on. And I would love you to have as your selection criteria, somebody who cherishes you, somebody who loves you, and somebody who will work to make that happen with it, that they that you feel cared for cherish and not just at the beginning of the relationship, but as an ongoing pattern you grow together. And that's a skill that both of you those are skills that you both need to learn. It is also very common after having a baby did he want a baby?

It was a surprise both ways. But yeah, it kind of just happened. I mean,

was he like jumping for joy? Or was he ambivalent?

He was kind of he was just like, well, we'll deal with it.

Okay, that sounds like it wasn't like, Oh, my God, the Red Sox won! Like, Oh, I'll deal with it. Right. So if he's feeling that emotion of Okay, gotta do it. It's a responsibility. It's a duty, then he may have wanted out and his escape may have been to create a life outside of the marriage is hard enough. When people are prepared to have a baby. A baby changes everything. And the highest rate for divorces is in the first two years of of having a baby. Wow. So you want to be good to yourself. Enjoy your baby. I loved it when my kids were young. Even though I needed absolute breaks, you have family that will help you out a bit. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. And is he good with your son? He hasn't been proving that lately. Okay, then just Carver life without him, I would move on, I would definitely value yourself and realize that you want to create the family, you have that opportunity as a single mom to create the love and care that you've always wanted. And hopefully you'll find a much better partner and you'll pick better next time. Thank you so much for the call Tracy. Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

I was dating someone. It ended badly. He was my first I loved him. And then he changed.

He got . . .

And you didn't stop loving.

And that's from Buffy. And I know I've experienced that when you think the best of people you go into a relationship and you fall in love. And you think the world of them and then you get a few little Inklings. So you know just nudges on the side of your awareness that Oh, that wasn't a nice thing. He said to the waitress and oh my gosh, that wasn't he didn't treat me well. He was speeding in the car. I asked him to slow down he didn't. And you don't want to take a look at it. Because she's that feeling of love and the genuine values that that person has that they the person could grow and make even better, but may not choose to. Those things are so real that you don't want to lose them so you stay in relationships much longer than you ever need to.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Partners, whether married or dating need to communicate constantly, but many lack communication skills. For example, they may not be able to articulate well, and thus struggle to express what they think or feel. But communication skills can be learned. Listening is an important part of communicating. Many people find it very difficult not to interrupt before their partner has finished expressing a complete thought. Listening Well, giving your partner your full attention and summarizing what you heard when necessary, sends the message you are important.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com