The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Anna, you're having difficulty with your daughter?

A son, my son, my 16 year old 16 year old son.

Tell me what's going on?

Well, he's unable to focus in class. He's a very bright boy doesn't give the teachers any discipline, disciplinary problems or anything. But he just seems to not pay at of the class. And occasionally he'll come in and ask for help at lunchtime. But he's still that, you know, his failing. And he's very, very bright.

And in what grade is he?

A junior in high school.

A junior in high school. So these years I mean, all years are critical. But these years are really, really critical. Because, does he want to go on to college?

Well, he says he does. But he doesn't seem to, he has a brother, you know, away at college. But I don't think he realizes what he has to put out effort to get there. And I'm not sure where to go from here. He's not a bad kid. I don't have any as I said, disciplinary problems at school or anything. He just isn't focusing isn't doing the work. But when he does focus, I mean, he just really stands out.

Okay, I want to ask you that in about that in a second. So let me sum up. What I'm hearing so far, is that you've got a really good kid. And for some reason, in his junior year, he's 16 years old, and his school isn't grabbing his attention. It he's not focusing on it. He isn't one of those kids that tries to capture every word that the teacher says he'd rather sit in the back of the class and she embarrasses him moves him to the front of the class. And he's just he's not a defiant kid. Do you think he's doing any drugs or alcohol?

Oh, no.

So a really good kid, but just kind of lost just an unfocused?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Not focused, like not interested. Or I just can't say I don't know if his mind is wandering. I'm just, I'm not even sure. I don't know what to do to motivate him.

What do you typically do? What are you? Is dad in the house? Also?

Yes.

What do either of you do to motivate him? We've been threatened. Okay, I'm your son. I'm gonna be your son. Okay. Let me get a tip flavor of what you say to me. Tone of voice you use okay.

Oh, Victor. If you're not going to get this done, you're not going anywhere this weekend? Or we're going to take the phone away or no computer? Or you know, we do. It's a punishment. Basically, not again, I can't believe they're doing it. I mean, just get off my back. I'm 16 years old. Can I do this on my own? You know, I don't have any motivation to do anything. And they can't force me to do it.

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That - is - interesting.
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Get off my back. I'm 16 years old. Can I do this on my own? And I don't have any motivation to do anything. And they can't force me to do it. Oh, that's what went through my mind. So the parent is thinking, Oh, good. I'm giving them like an alarm clock a little wake up call a gentle nudge and some motivation by punishment. And you know, they really want to use the computer so it will kick them into action. But that's not what goes into through the child's mind. Think of your own childhood. Were you one of these really good kids who did everything? There were little tension in the house. Yeah. Tell me how mom tried to motivate you.

Well, Mom was non English speaking, and didn't really tune into it just assumed I was getting everything done at school. So she was passive. She's off in the ether. How about Dad? Same, same so you were on your own? Yes. So you didn't have the rebellious thing. Here's what I see. As a kid. I want my mom to be my friend. I want my dad to be my friend. I have been shocked as a therapist when I get really rebellious kids and I mean with the chains and the tattoos and the piercings and everything. And it's Like, Oh, I just wish I were closer to dad. And it's like, you gotta be kidding, you've been fighting him. You know, that's what I'm thinking. And kid kid, you know, we don't give kids enough credit that they want to connect, but they don't know how. And they don't like what's offered them as a means of connecting. So we need a different language, a different way of addressing our kids. And typically, it's the way we address people that are not in the family that we love a friend, you wouldn't tell a friend, I'm going to take away your computer if you don't get your homework done. No, that's true. What would you say to a good friend who just feel stuck and does not needs to get a report done for work and just isn't doing it? Yeah, I'd sit down and have a heart to heart and you know, would you listen to her? Yeah. And would you let her find her own solution? Yeah, fascinating. 16 year old kids can find their own solutions. So I'm going to recommend a book by my favorite authors. I think it's the gold standard of parenting. If I didn't have these books, I would have been an awful parent and I would have done the punishment, I would have done the crying and I would have done everything else imaginable to try to get my kids to do what I want them to do it I which I know is right for them. But it's not right for them unless they know for themselves that it's right for them. So being a good listener is wonderful. The name of the book, if you haven't heard of it, it's how to talk so teens will listen. Okay. It's by Adele Faber. And Elaine Mazz Lish will put it on the website today, if it's not already up on it, they have another book on my website, how to talk. So kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk and how to talk so kids will learn and listen. So they are wonderful, wonderful people.

Here are some of the tips. When you listen to your child rather than you make yourself not the enemy. But you gain a lot more understanding of your child, it could be that Mom, I don't have any skills to study on how to do this, you know, other people just seem to have it. Well, then it's a matter of skill building, or my inner my mind keeps wandering to Julie, I really liked Julie and then what I would try to do is motivate by values not by duty, guilt and fair. And by motivating by values is I will ask kids who come in to see me. I will say what do you want to be when when you get out of school, and they start telling me what they what their interests are. And I don't care whether their interests are in sports, or in business or wanting to be in the theater. I say what will help you open those doors, what will help you achieve those goals and they eventually will say good grades. Okay, they made that integration, they made that connection. That's the valuable link because then that will help them do better. I never studied harder in my life than when I wanted to get into grad school. So listen, I wish you a lot of success with that. Listen to him be there as if you were a friend. And that doesn't mean to be a pushover. As a parent it means to be empathic and I think you'll love that book. Thank you so much for your call.

Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Before giving a surprise make sure your partner likes surprises, including the type you plan to give. Linda was upset for weeks because her husband sent a male stripper to her place of work for her birthday. Beyond feeling humiliated in front of her coworkers. She hated the idea of a male stripper. Her husband Martin didn't understand why she was so upset when he was only trying to give her a nice surprise. The clueless husband and had not bothered to find out what his wife would actually value is the present. Working to understand your partner is well worth the effort. And to help your partner better understand you. You first need to understand yourself. If you don't know what you want and value. It makes it much harder for your partner to understand you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com