The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

(Micro ad) . . .
The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.

Jennifer, you and your boyfriend can't decide where to live?

Actually, it's a matter of difference of he wants to stay where we are right now. And and it's total isolation. They live 25 miles away from the nearest city in town.

Okay, so you're out in the boondocks? And is that something that is not? I'm hearing, it's not your cup of tea?

Absolutely not. It's, it's a matter of my sanity being compromised for his happiness.

Okay, so it's not a win win situation that you would have to sacrifice. He thinks it's a win. Okay, why does he think it's a win?

Well, I mean, because he has this great job. And you know what, the reason why we moved here is just to get his foot in the door. Now that he's up here. He sees it as a good opportunity to climb the ladder.

Oh, where you are not a foot in the door is a national company or international where he could go to a city? It's a national, it's a national. But, of course, you know, there's always the case of Whoa, when you move to a bigger city, there's more competition to climb the ladder. Yeah, so he's afraid of you know, why climb the mountain when I could easily climb the molehill.

Okay, so he's basically facing a trade off, and he's wanting his cake and eat it too. He's wanting to force you to be happy where you're at, when it's pretty clear that you gave it a running shot, you came up there with the agreement that it was only temporary and now he's made a different decision based on work, not in his romantic relationship, obviously. And that's okay for him to do. But then he's got to take the consequences, which are what

the consequences, I feel. You know, I mean, either him, you know, maybe maybe having to work a little harder to climb the ladder, or maybe taking a little bit more time to climb the ladder, or me leaving, which obviously, he is not caring about or not thinking about.

So he doesn't even think that's within the realm of possibility that you would say,

I'm so loyal that, you know, it's, it's really quite a detriment to my happiness.

Yeah. What would you like to do?

Well, I mean, I want to stay with him, it's really good job with benefits. And I know this, and I know all of the reasons why he's doing this, and I agree with him. But I can't sacrifice my own happiness. At the same time, we are still having, you know, while it's a good job, where it's very expensive, expensive to live here, Bill wise. So it's really hard for me to just pick up on my own and move considering how we're still out. We've lived here for three years, and I'm still an outsider, so I don't have a job even. So I'm living inside this cube, I call my house my four walls. So and the money that I had saved up, I use all of that to get us here.

Okay, so you pulled your resources and what do you what do you do for as for living? Outside? No, you're not working now. But what do you tip?

Well, I mean, my living is taking care of the house and bills.

Okay, but in the past?

Oh. Well, I mean, I love photography. Acting, you know, photography is my passion. Before, you know, I've been secretary, you know, just the data entry type. situation.

Okay, and what, how old are you? Ballpark. 30?

Yes. Okay, no, that's fine. i Okay, so you're trying to make a very difficult decision, it's always hard when you're facing to positive values, if he were an abusive person, it would be Hey, I'm getting out of here. You know, this is when when I'll take my hit financially, I'll leave I'll find a job maybe even as a data entry person someplace and I'll climb my own ladder honey and I will eventually get to photography and acting and get in a field and I'll put myself in town or a city that has photography and acting where you can make a living at it. So you could design your life. And if you've been with him for many years, you know each other is basically you guys have been married even though it's not. In not legally Right. Right. No kids, right?

No kids, but seven and a half years together.

Oh, seven and a half years together. Okay. Why doesn't he hear you?

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(ad)
Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That - is - interesting.
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Seven and a half years together, oh, seven and a half years together, okay. Why doesn't he hear you?

You know, it's one of those things where I think it's a matter of pride, number one, and number two. A bunch of laziness also has to factor into it, because it actually took me my help in him obtaining this job with my financial resources, and, you know, just to helping him with scheduling appointments, and going to the meetings and, and interviews and stuff like that. And so I think it's a matter of, you know, he's actually 3037. So I think it's a matter of, you know, midlife almost, to 40 have to rush to get up there, to the, to the ladder, you know, before anything's too late, you know, and as and as far as him not caring or not hearing me. I also think it's a matter of lack of lack of communication and compassion. And I say lack of communication because everything i anything i bring up to him, he always escalated to a fight. So that comes back to the pride thing.

Okay. So you want to ask yourself, Is he the right partner for me, and I know, we don't have a lot of time left. I'm not, I don't know if you're aware that I wrote a book with my co author, Ed Locke. And it's all about being good to yourself, valuing your happiness, your long range happiness. And we have a provocative title, The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason.

Oh, that's a long title.

Well, it's just a selfish romance, just write selfishromance.com. Or you can go to my website, Dr. kanter.com. And you can get the book on Amazon. The reason I'm mentioning it is because we talk about how to make yourself lovable, how to make yourself how to give yourself the life you love, and when it's proper to compromise, and when it's not proper to compromise. And if you're feeling like you're living in a cube, man, you're compromising way too much you need your life, you need to communicate with him. And if it's always a fight with him, then you want to read the chapter on how to reduce conflict, you know how to deal with conflict, and we have a chapter on how to compromise. And what a good relationship looks like. One of the most important things for you is your own identity. If you love acting, and photography, you need to be able to give that to yourself, just like he needs to. Sometimes relationships work out sometimes people decide to part ways and we even have in our appendix A little bit on parting ways, even though the focus of our book is how to cherish one another. So listen, thank you so much, Jennifer, and I wish you the best with a very difficult decision. And my key advice is love yourself. Really speak up and value your own life.
end

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

Movie segment -
And what's this I hear about you bailing out on detention today?
I'm not giving on my math club time that babysit a bunch of delinquents.
Excuse me, those kids need your attention as well.
But the ones who try actually deserve it.

And what a refreshing dialogue that is the ones who try it. deserve it. And that's from the movie, hold on one second. I'll tell you - Take The Lead. That's from the movie take the lead. And in your own life, do you focus on the people who through their own choice, destroy their own lives? Or do you focus on those that deserve it who make better choices, and that applies to maybe family members, maybe it's the kid who was always in trouble that you focus on and the good kid gets left in the background. Think again, you want to pay attention to the kid who was making proper choices, better choices, and commend them I always learned that rewarding I learned early on that rewarding the good is much better than focusing on punishing the bad. I know sometimes we have to put out fires in family relationships and we have to attend to someone a kid who's on drugs or alcohol. But man you want to pay attention to your good kids too. And the same with you Have friends and the same in your own life. Focus on the good within you, rather than always beating yourself up and finding that it's much harder to change when you're always criticizing yourself when you're always saying why do I always do this? Why can't I get back to the gym? Why don't I eat better? I'm just, I'm just a loser. I'm a failure. I'm no good, I'm unlovable. Well, if you beat up on yourself, When are you ever going to focus on your strengths, and focus on moving, taking some of those things you don't like and moving them into the categories of strengths, meaning, learning how to exercise more, or learning how to take care of your body learning how to take care of your mind better.
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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad. . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Finding the right romantic partner may seem like a daunting task, but it is much less daunting when you know what to look for and how to look for it. Once you have found the person you believe it's your soulmate, however, the story is not over. It is only beginning. You will want to know how to preserve and strengthen your relationship. And most people have no idea how to do this. Most make one major, often fatal mistake. The main reason for fading romance, aside from a poor match or partners moving in incompatible directions, is letting the love relationship go on automatic, letting it be carried along solely by emotion.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com