The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio)


This is from Kyle.

Now, when you dated? Did you wonder about who your partner had been with prior prior to being with you any previous boyfriends or girlfriends and what their intimacy what might have looked like? This is what's torturing Kyle.

Hi Dr. Kenner. My girlfriend Kelly told me about her past how many guys she slept with, and I can't get over it. I've avoided sex with her since I found out because it grosses me out. All I can imagine when I look at her, is her doing the same things, the same moves with former lovers. I see their faces, and that just makes me angry. I imagine that they are better at it than I am. And it's driving me insane. I feel like I won't ever be enough or that someone else made her feel better. Or like or she liked being with someone else more than me. Obviously, I've slept with other women. We all know girls have had other guys, but we at least want to pretend that we're the best. The biggest surprise for me was I thought she was such a nice, sweet girl. And the number was much bigger than I thought it would be. How can I get over this? Kyle.

Kyle, the first thing that crossed my mind is you are torturing yourself unnecessarily on several fronts. The first one, you started with a relationship that you enjoyed with Kelly. And now you're feeling betrayed, and you're feeling woefully inadequate. So you're torturing yourself. So you want to ask yourself, why it grosses you out to imagine her with others. And I'm assuming that it wasn't an outrageous number. I mean, obviously, if she told you she had been with she's 18 years old, or she's 20 years old, and she had been with 50 men, I definitely that would make me think again about a partner if they had said that to me. But I'm assuming that it's within the norm. And it just wasn't what you expected from her that. I don't know whether she misled you or you just never came up before it was a non issue for her. So ask why it grosses you out. Maybe you're thinking you're no longer special. Maybe you had always wanted someone who had no experience, you thought they were a virgin. Maybe you're carrying some ideas about sex, that it's dirty and disgusting for a woman and sinful. And she's some sort of a sloth because you do say you, you thought she was such a nice, sweet girl. Why can't she still be a nice, sweet girl and just have had a little experience under her belt? And obviously she's with you. So she's chosen you. And another thing to ask yourself is why are you comparing yourself to what you envision is the other guy's superior love making? You know, if I compare myself, I think in any walk of life, if I'm cooking, if I'm always thinking, Is there someone better than me? Did my husband ever get fed by someone better than me? And yes, every restaurant we've gone to, my husband gets fed better than me. I don't talk to myself about feeling that I'm terribly inferior if I wanted to my husband and I could learn to cook better together. And that's the same with love. You can grow together in whatever relationship you are in and whatever past you've had, you can learn from one another. And that makes it much easier for both of you. Then you want to ask yourself another question.

Why the double standard? Kyle? You're not young teens? I'm assuming you're not. You've slept with other women. And what if Kelly, what if the tables were flipped? What if Kelly said she never wanted to be with you? Because it grossed her out to think that you had been with other women. And they might have been better lovers than she is? What would you like her to think instead? Whatever that is, you want to give that to yourself to have a much different perspective. So I don't think this is easily done. But I wish you could take your perspective and put it through a shredder and be much kinder to yourself. You want to adopt a much more gentle approach reach to your relationship. Now I'm going to share with you my experience my husband and I had both dated a lot before we met, my husband was 25 years old. And I was six years younger, I was only 19. And I had dated a lot. I hadn't had a lot of sexual experience, but I had had a lot of dating experience. And I am so glad that my husband didn't torture himself about the fact that I had dated a lot of guys. When we met, it just felt more like we had this very unique relationship. It wasn't it was in his own universe, he didn't have to, we didn't have to compare it to a million different other relationships while we together even though on some level, I know you say oh my god, this is so much nicer than other guys. And we both grew together, we both learned about intimacy over the years, we've been happily married for years now. And we still continue to learn about one another even with intimacy. So I would recommend Kyle that you're kind of to yourself and don't assume that you're inadequate. Take a different perspective. Instead, make learning about intimacy enjoyable for you, and Kelly, and you can get a book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke titled The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason. And you could go to it's on Amazon. Or you can go to our website, selfishromance.com, or even my website, Dr. Kenner dot com for the radio show. And we have a whole section on romance in there. In fact, the book is about emotional intimacy, which really contributes enormously to sexual intimacy to that's that's the foundation. That's what makes a relationship so wonderful and rich. So I wish you the best with that.

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And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here's a quick question I got from Katie. She says, How can I tell whether I have social anxiety or anxiety from criticizing myself from feedback from my friends and family over the years, they've always told me that I'm too quiet. You know, when people I remember when I was younger, my own dad tried to would basically wanted me to be more outgoing. So he would go up on stage, if there was an entertainer if we were at some event, and actually Nipsey Russell asked, Who wants to go up on stage and my father went up on stage and I wanted to hide under the table because I knew I was next. He was going to say, come on up and Nipsey Russell was an entertainer at the time, and my father went up and dance with him and my sisters did. And I was just mortified. So I had, I had what I would call a social phobia, I was afraid of being in public situations, I was afraid that people would be looking at me and I was embarrassed or I was afraid to humiliate myself and I went for a while by avoiding those situations. Then I learned to switch that around Katie, and that's what I would recommend for you. Instead of being locked into that role of being a shy person. Think of yourself as a person who can pursue your dreams and one by one start to do things that are a little bit anxiety provoking, not a lot and liberate yourself. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. kenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologist Dr. Skinner and Locke,

A number of factors can cause a relationship to change, such as developing new ways of relating handling conflict better changing your perspective on your partner's attributes, or rethinking what you want. Even a great relationship can have some ups and downs. If the causes of the downs are resolved, then the upward trajectory can resume. Some rockiness may be caused by inner conflict over making a long term commitment to someone rather than personality characteristics of the partner. The process of meshing together the many aspects of your life with those of another unique individual is not easy, but so long as communication remains strong, honest, tactful and respectful. Partners can often resolve such problems and strengthen their love.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com