The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio)

Hi. You're a single parent?

Well, my baby would be 18 tomorrow. So I guess you could say my parenting days are over.

Are they ever really over? My kids are in their 30s and it's never over.

Yeah, please. Now I don't feel - I don't feel obligated. Yes, yeah, I can let my hair down and be me.

Wonderful, wonderful. So what problems you have? What would you like some help with?

Well, this is the deal. This is a deal. I have a 17 year old NBA team tomorrow and I have a 26 year old. Yeah. Okay. They both have two different daddies, I pretty much primarily raised them by myself. But when I look at myself compared to other mothers, I never gave my kids. I never was a drug addict. I never would, you know, live the promiscuity, lifestyle or anything like that. I worked I went to college, got a couple of college degrees. Wow. It's a good example for my kids. One good example for my kids, you know, very spiritual channel. I'm in church, they didn't grow up in church, but we were in and out of the church. So we're believers of God. But the 26 year old, he has anger problem in the 18 year old resist me so much. And I sit back and I ask myself, Where do I go wrong? Okay, cool, are

ya? So the question is, is a decent question. The tone of voice is not fair to you. If you're saying Where did I go wrong? You're assuming what? That you went wrong? I'm assuming

that okay, lahrman stuff on the standards in a DNA behavior.

I don't buy that. I think that I think if if my two kids, when my daughter turned about when she was able to drive, so a little earlier, 16 17 18. She said, Mom, I wanted my independence. And I that meant being on my own more, you know, going with my friends, and she was a very good kid. It's just that who do they get their independence from?

Are you saying that? That's a question you aiming back at me?

The kids, the kids typically want to see that they can make it on their own. And they that means apart from mom, a crock pot from their caretaker, who is you? Right? So a piece of it is just the stage that they're that they're in. They're young adults, and one of them is just turning into a young adult, and the other, you know, 18 years old, and the other is a young adult. And the theme is anger. If they're if if they are angry, then what's going through their head is something is not fair. And I don't know what that might be. If we could see the world through your 18 year old son's eyes. He's not looking at all the things you did, right? Our kids rarely say, Hey, you were a great mom, great role model college degrees. You weren't a drug addict, you weren't promiscuous, you know, good mom. We rarely get that until a little later, when they have more experience. When they get more experience under their belt and when they become more of an individual and, and if we help them see the good in themselves, they're more likely to see the good in us too. So what might your eight let's just focus on your 18 year old or almost 18 year old? If his if what does he say to you when he gets angry? What are his actual words?

Well, he's very quiet. So I read his diary. Okay. Is it would be like, you know, cuz he's blind in the left eye. Yeah. So, like, why? So he then to his dad wasn't in the picture. So, okay, I'm gonna say what's on top of what does he say? He doesn't really say a whole lot. Okay, thanks, Mom. I think we'll get along better when I'm on my own delivering with you. That Yeah. A lot of times is like whereby ourselves, we get along fine. There's lacquer that's loving. When he hangs out with his friends and his friends manipulate him. Denise comes in with a different mood and attitude. So now he's moved out the environment. He's staying with his auntie. We're getting along fine. So to me, it was another element that had him thinking about the negative parts.

So it may be Go ahead.

And I read his diary. It said something among them the lines, I'm going to kill my mom. Okay. And then I,

does he give content to it? Yeah. He said he knows you read his diary.

Yeah, he not he knows how to read his diary now.

Okay, maybe that's why he wants to kill you. So what is what does he tell you? What does he tell you about when he gets that angry?

Big crisis. And mom, you know, I really don't even mean that. You know, I

know. Okay, but what does he mean?

You know what, it goes back to independence, when you said the word independence. The green lights went out. Because when I called the cops on him three weeks ago, because he had stayed out all night, and he's answering the phone, the cop said that they want to be independent away from their parents. Yeah. And he said, But your son doesn't realize it. Your your the best thing for him right now, because it says that he was hanging out with his homeless, okay, well, you choose to be homeless, he has a wealthy grandparent, but to be homeless, but they drink in it, they drink those little energy drinks all night long. Yeah, my son doesn't do drugs are during same time that I'm not done something like but when the confident humans, they want to be independent away from their families, that a green light went out, because I guess you could tell. They live in a very structured environment, and their friends get to stay out all night.

Okay, so they're seeing a contrast, and they're saying I hate my mom, she won't let me stay out all night. They're not seeing I, my mom, I should be so appreciative. She's such an upstanding person and a good role model. And I'm lucky to have her in my life, and they're not going to give you that. Listen, when they start getting peer pressure as a parent, it's, it's very difficult to try to force them because if you say don't hang with these kids, the first response is going to be don't tell me what to do. Oh, hang with who I want. So you're the goal. The key word is guiding your child provide opportunities when they get together with someone they really admire whom you admire, too. So it could be if you're working maybe it's a colleague of yours, who's a good role model, a male colleague who, you know, would talk with him and say, Hey, bud, you know, kids will listen to a friend of a parent, but they may not listen to the parent. So if you do want to not just do nothing, and let peer pressure take over, you want your kids to have the social skills, I know your other ones 26 years old, the social skills to be able to say I was scared I was drinking a lot or this these energy drinks and you know, how might you stand up to them? Maybe, you know, sometimes, maybe you just need a change of friends. Sometimes the change of friends is the solution.

But you were saying that right?

Right.

So your goal is to be to be a good listener so you understand where his anger is coming from, and to be a good loving guide without coming down so strong handed that you you reverse the trend to get angry at you. So listen, the keys if I had to sum things, things up for you, Jules, kudos to yourself, recognize the good in yourself. And then you're a single parent you've done a nice job. Recognize that it's the time of life to that he's he's that in anger is the theme behind anger is it's not fair. He wants his independence, but you could be a good guide. And if you recognize the good in yourself and in him, I think you'll you'll be on your way. Thank you so much for your call.

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