The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner: Here is a question I received from Amy. See what you think in this situation. “Hi Dr. Kenner. My stepdaughter, Julie, is a responsible, hard-working, independent person. But her older sister, Megan, has been depressed for five years, the last two being the worst. Megan no longer works. She did work, but she stopped going to work. She stopped paying her rent. She stopped cleaning her house, etc. Megan lived in the city and although encouraged to seek help, she failed to attend her appointments with her counselor. Megan has no money. So we paid for her to move closer to her sister, Julie. Instead, Megan spent the rent money we gave her and is currently doing nothing everyday except watching TV. My stepdaughter Julie is not coping, and no longer knows how to help her sister. She’s now in counseling. What would you advise? Thank you, Amy.”

Amy, the question is, are you your sister’s keeper or not? That’s the question that your stepdaughter Julie needs to ask herself. Everyone owns their own life. You are at the helm of your life. You make the choices in your life. I’m at the helm of mine. Megan is at the helm of hers. Megan, the stepdaughter who is really screwing up her life, is at the helm of hers. Julie, your stepdaughter, is making very good choices in her personal life. She has made herself into a responsible, hard-working, independent person, and she should reap the rewards of that. Her sister Megan has chosen another path. Stop working. Stop paying rent. Stop cleaning the house. Refuse to see a counselor. Spending money that you generously sent her to improve her life on doing what? Sabotaging her life. Spending her life watching TV. What does Megan accomplish by refusing to take any steps to improve her life?

Number one, she is refusing to think about how to make her life better, and she is suffering the consequences. Number two, another outcome, Megan keeps you all feeling anxious about her. You’re even emailing me. Is that one of her motives? To make everyone concerned about her? By doing nothing. It may even make Julie feel guilty for her own earned success, and that is a tragedy. That is totally unjust. In my book, Julie is not her sister’s keeper. If Julie had a different sister, a loving sister, who is going through some hard times, then if Julie really, really wanted to help her, go ahead and help her if they have a good relationships. There is no problem with reaching out to a loved one to give them a temporary shoulder to lean on. But if they refuse, what are your options, or what are Julie’s options? In this case, does she continue to throw her sister, her older sister Megan, life rafts, when Megan only puts pins in all of them? Or should she shift her focus to her own life, to enjoying her own life? 

And that’s certainly what I would recommend. I would recommend that Julie can give herself a pat on the back for having reached out, and you too Amy. You reached out too. You sent money. You can give yourselves pats on the back for at least giving her an opportunity. But when Megan shoots you down again and again and again, then you and Julie can enjoy a wonderful life. I mean, you can enjoy each other’s friendship and you can each enjoy your own lives.

Let’s talk about when is it proper to help a person and when is it not proper? This is from my favorite author, Ayn Rand. She wrote The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, my all time favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. Totally changed my life. Here are some suggestions she gives. Circumstances under which you help someone, and I’ll give five of these. 

The first one, number one, through no fault of their own, when they’re in trouble through no fault of their own or when they honestly admit fault - I knew I drank and I shouldn’t have been drinking and I’m looking for help, something like that - so when they’re honestly admitting fault and they genuinely want to improve themselves, and you can see them take a few steps in that direction, even if they have an occasional slip-up, you feel that they are working with themselves to become healthy. They’re not sabotaging every effort you make to help them get better. 

Number two, if it’s short lived, if Megan doesn’t want a rent ticket for life or a meal ticket for life, but maybe temporarily she’s going through a difficult time, she just lost a job and she genuinely feels depressed and wants to pull her life back together, man, you can help her. Or maybe after a house fire you can help someone out, of course, or if they have an illness, you bring them chicken soup and give them psychological chicken soup too. That’s fine.

Number three, when they’re genuinely appreciative. Not that they grovel at your feet, but not that they’re entitled. You owe it to me. You’re lucky. You have a good job. You exercise. You’re lucky. I can’t exercise, I can’t get a good job. Well, get off the couch and look for a job. When they’re genuinely appreciative, you can certainly help them. 

Number four, when it’s not a sacrifice on your part. You don’t want to be paying for the dental care of Megan when you can’t afford your own.

Number five, when they want to pay you back when they get back on their feet. Again, they’re not feeling entitled. So if Megan said, “Oh thank you so much for the rent. When I get a job, I hope in the future to be able to pay you back. Thank you very much.”

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner.