"Till society is very differently constituted, parents, I fear, will still insist on being obeyed because they will be obeyed, and constantly endeavor to settle that power on a divine right which will not bear the investigation of reason." MARY WOLLSTONECRAFT GODWIN
Marriage vs happiness-
When might marriage be an obstacle to happiness? When you discover that you and your spouse have come to hold different fundamental values. In such a case, what if you have kids? Should you still consider divorce?
Toll free phone number to order unabridged books and catalog
1-800-Say-Book
Childhood as It Should Have Been and Ought to Be / Dr. Ellen Kenner, Ph.D
Imagine going back to a typical day in your youth armed with your present philosophical knowledge. You would be able to ask yourself questions about your parents, such as: Did they help you grasp that the world is not crazy, but causal? Did they enable you to discover the joy of questioning and thinking? Did they show you how to deal effectively with "failure"—or to become value-oriented—or to protect yourself against altruism?
Dr. Kenner presents the principles and skills that make parenting and childhood a pleasurable experience. Whether you want to raise children more effectively or want a better understanding of your own youth, this course offers you valuable insights.
(Audio; 5-tape set; 6 hrs.)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk/ Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Not merely a parenting book, this is a delightful treasure chest of tips of how to communicate with anyone.
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How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk/ Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Do you remember how supportive and understanding your parents were during your teenage years? Do you recall how you could confide in them, how they trusted your judgment and how appreciative they were of your help?
For most, the answer is simple—“no!”
Flash forward: Would your own teenagers consider you loving and understanding? Do they confide in you? Do they feel trusted and appreciated by you? And…do you feel loved, understood, trusted and appreciated by your teens?
What gets in the way in the way of “yes” answers to these questions? In this book Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish explore the teenage years and help parents and teens get closer to “yes” answers. They show what goes wrong (e.g., blaming, name-calling, lecturing, playing martyr) and help both parents and teens develop an attitude of earned respect and appreciation for one another. Impossible? Think again—open the pages and hear the stories of parents who have just about given up on their teens—whether it’s dealing with sassing, homework, chores, hanging with the “wrong crowd” …sexual promiscuity, binge drinking, “experimenting with pot” or discovering that your daughter has plans to meet a strange man she’s been hooking up with on the internet— watch how the right attitude and skills dramatically improve life at home.
Enjoy this quick read that so effectively helps you achieve what you might have written off as impossible—a loving relationship with your teens.
Siblings Without Rivalry/ Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
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Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce/ Florence Bienenfeld, Ph.D.
It's not often that I read a book cover to cover and come away saying that I can recommend this without commenting that there are some parts I don't agree with. I really loved this book. She keeps the focus on your long range happiness.
"I hate life sometimes. I should have been able to see my sisters. I get real angry at my mom and dad. Sometimes I'm mad at the whole world." Divorce often leaves children in a path of devastation. Some children feel the chronic need, well into their adult lives, to try to please both parents, or to show pressured allegiance to one parent and shun the other. Some children have indelible memories of horrific fights and arguments prior to and after their parents divorce. Such children may promise themselves that they will never get married - it involves too much suffering. Some children are convinced that they are the hidden cause of their parent's divorce. Feelings of abandonment, fear, hurt and guilt become the norm. It's common for children to repeat the traumas of their childhood or to withdraw into a repressed silence, cutting themselves off from the pleasures of life. But much of this pain can be avoided, and everyone benefits. How? Dr. Bienenfeld lets you first hear from the children themselves. She then outlines a step-by-step method to help parents grasp the pain that their children are in and to help parents separate their own hostilities and financial battles from parenting issues. Although the parents are no longer marital partners, they will remain parent-partners for life. Given this, she outlines a method for helping them communicate clearly and fairly on all issues involving the children.
The Divorce Handbook: Your basic guide to divorce / by James Friedman (1984), Random House
He offers an easy-to-read question and answer format.
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The Divorce Book / by Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, Joan Blades and Richard Gosse (1984), New Harbinger Publications
This is a comprehensive book covering divorce to remarriage.
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Dinosaur's Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families / by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
My pages are falling out of this book. Why? Because I have used it so many times with children. I highly recommend it for your children if you’re going through a divorce. Divorce is messy enough. But there are things that make it mentally agonizing for children. One of them is guilt--more specifically unearned guilt. Kids are at risk of thinking that it’s their fault when their parents divorce: I didn’t clean my room and dad and mom would fight over that. I yelled at my dad and that’s why he left.” ...
The first frame of this cartoon-like illustrated book has mom and dad sitting in overstuffed chairs, each with stern, furrowed brows and not engaged with each other. Dad is reading “Tyrannosaurus Daily Times” and mother is reading “Stegos in Paradise”--her book is upside down showing that her mind is elsewhere. The little dinosaur girl, with wide eyes, has her hands up in the air in total confusion. The caption reads: Divorce takes place between mothers and fathers. You are not to blame if your parents get divorced. Many a child and I have sat in therapy talking just about this one frame-- and it helped relieve them of some heavy unearned guilt. That’s damage control.
The next few frames illustrate how parents fight differently. Some have violent, noisy battles; others use the silent treatment and worse, some fight with kids when they are really angry with each other! This gives kids some well-needed psychological insight. Turn the page and you get the question: What about you? When your parents divorce, it’s natural to feel: sad, angry, afraid, confused, ashamed, guilty, relieved, worried about who will take care of you. Children often spend a lot of time on this page with each emotion, expressing what feelings they are having and the thoughts underlying them. The authors assure children that the bad feelings won’t last forever, and there is plenty they can do to help themselves feel better.
This short illustrated book covers so much:
Longings that your parents will reconnect that often go unfulfilled.
Telling friends that your parents are divorcing.
Ways you can make living with one parent go smoother.
Living in two homes: Focusing on the positive and recognizing that mom and dad may have different rules.
Celebrating holidays and special occasions.
Eventually meeting your parents new “friends.”
Living with stepparents and possibly step-siblings.
The authors treat children with great empathy, as individuals capable of being responsible and making the major changes in their lives easier for themselves (and for their parents). They treat kids with respect. One suggestion: This is not a book to rush through if you are reading it with your child. It’s helpful to pause with them, if they are willing, and let them respond to the colorful cartoon frames that touch important issues in their young lives. Let them express themselves--and you may find that your loving attention and willingness to hear them goes a long way to making life a tad easier for you and your kids.
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Between Parent and Teenager / Dr. Haim Ginott
"Many teenagers have an inner radar that detects what irritates their parents. If we value neatness our teenager will be sloppy, his room messy, his clothes repulsive, and his hair unkempt and long..." How do you make your years with your teenager not just tolerable, but enjoyable? What typical mistakes do parents make and what are the alternative civilized ways to raise your teenagers? Although dated, I owe much of my joyful years with my teenagers to Dr. Ginott's timeless advice.
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Before It's Too Late / Stanton Samenow, Ph.D.
Why some kids get into trouble - and what parents can do about it.
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Definitions
Explainations of various points discussed in this website
Recommended Reading
Dr. Kenner reviews books and audio she recommends on parenting, therapy, self help, career, romance, happiness and other topics.
Home Schooling
“This day I completed my 31st year. ...I viewed with regret the many hours I’ve spent in indolence, and now sorely feel the want of that information which those hours would have given me had they been judiciously expended. But since they are past and cannot be recalled, I dash from me the gloomy thought and resolved in future to redouble my exertions...“ Merryweather Lewis, Aug 18, 1805
Often the choice to home-school your child is the wisest decision. There is much information available to make this an informed decision.
Some excerpts from the September 11, 2000 issue of Time Magazine:
This year Sanford University accepted 26% of the 35 homeschoolers who applied - nearly double its overall acceptance rate.
Twenty-three of this falls 572 freshmen at Wheaton College in Illinois were homeschooled, and their SAT scores averaged 58 points higher than those of the overall class.
...most colleges have a policy for dealing with (homeschoolers), and some schools are rolling out the red carpet.
This year homeschoolers scored an average of 1,100 on the SAT - a full 81 points above the national average...
And, from the January 8, 2001 issue of Time Magazine:
``Former secretary of Education William Bennett...announced last week that he will lead the nation's first for-profit online elementary and secondary school, called K12, that will begin enrolling students in grades K-2 next fall and will eventually have students in every grade. ...K-12's demanding courses are aimed primarily at home schoolers..."
When You Are Old
A writer to Ann Landers newspaper column lists these points to remember about how to behave with your children when you are old. Although there is much valuable information here, be critical in your judgment because they are not appropriate in all contexts.
When my children tell me I should no longer drive, I will believe them and quit, because I know they love me.
When it becomes apparent that I need extra help, I will accept it from outsiders because my children cannot do everything. They have other obligations beyond my daily care.
It is up to me to make my life fulfilling. It is not my children's responsibility. I must stay active and learn to entertain myself so I do not become a burden to them.
If my children tell me I am becoming confused and that it is no longer safe for me to be alone, I will believe them and not become defensive.
If I am unable to get along with my children, I will seek counseling so we can learn to manage the changes in my life together.
I will get my legal affairs in order and trust the advice of professionals so there will be no problems about money or property down the road.
I will not complain about feeling poorly. My children cannot fix my health, and such complaints are emotionally draining for them to hear.
My children are not my indentured servants. I will remember to thank them for everything they do for me, and I will do loving things in return.
I will avoid making my children feel guilty. Age is no excuse for insults and manipulative behavior.
For as long as I can, I will take good care of myself physically, dress well and carry myself with dignity. Nothing saddens a child more than to witness parents who give up on how they present themselves.